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like she's been mute for months and can't get enough of the sound |
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| Written by Diana, on 07-06-2003 23:02 |
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It's this dissociative haze that I cut to get out of. My head just doesn't focus until I do. I get into it when things are not worth remembering, or even witnessing. When people remind me of my past, of my childhood. They keep asking me about things I don't care to remember, so I tell them I don't. If I do, or if I refresh their memories by correcting their story, they talk about it all night. And although these humiliating things happened before the dawn of time...their laughing and taunting goes on and on and I can't laugh with them, because they're laughing at me. Their reminiscences don't interest me. 'Remembering when' doesn't interest me. It's too much and they won't let me have the space I need to get through it. I want to eat until I explode after nights like this. I want to yell and scream and cut away all the bad parts. I want them to know how it makes me feel to hear them go on. My sister was here for six hours and the whole time she was either talking about work or on the phone with work. That's her obsession. It's suffocating. She doesn't know anything about me because when she's here, all she does is talk about herself, and what's going on with her, like she's been mute for months and can't get enough of the sound. My chest is heavy like there's a weight pressing down on it. I know cutting will lift that weight. I just know it.
Last update: 07-06-2003 23:02
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