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crinkling shiny clear plastic gift wrap |
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| Written by Diana, on 28-06-2002 19:45 |
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Partial today was a little more than I could bare. In processing everyone seemed to think my problems would be solved if I took a self defense class, not really knowing what they are of course, when I'm sitting there curled up in my chair wondering what would have happened if I had tried to defend myself. I fear the outcome would have been worse. Group got a little too close to finding out what happened to me today. I would never had said but if someone asked I wouldn't have lied. At one point I was even ready to get up and leave the room, things just got too intense and I refuse to cry in there. I think the facilitator noticed I had had all I could take, asked if I was okay and when I nodded after a long pause she told the group we were moving on. At lunch I hardly ate a thing, maybe a few small pieces of lettuce and picked at my salad while talking the remaining part of the hour. This one guy commented on how little I was eating and that it wasn't enough. Then in cognitive it was my turn and he ratted on me to the facilitator. I don't think she really cared though. In the final group we had group therapy and I played DJ. To annoy this one guy I brought Bach and everyone was in on it. Of course I spent the group curled up in a ball as usual and I think the facilitator kept looking at me when she did evaluations but I was dissociating so I was in and out, I only once looked her way and caught her looking at me. I don't know what's going through her head but I doubt it's anything positive about me. I can pretend to be happy for a day but that's about it, an entire day of laughing when jokes aren't funny and ignoring jokes from the freak of all freak shows wears me out and the rest of the week I'm myself in every way possible when you've got professionals breathing down your neck to get better. I think I'm making a friend but she only has a few days left I think and I'm afraid the new arrivals Monday will turn everything around. I'll no longer be the loved little girl. Right now everyone's twice my age or more and I don't want that to change. I was fairly comfortable to a point this morning when the topic turned for the worst and if the average age decreases, I won't be so comfortable anymore. That's why I didn't talk in the beginning. I think I need to isolate this evening. Maybe I'll go out for a little bit to wear down some anxiety (twisted I know) and then go to bed early. I've had about all I can take of people today. My defenses have been shot down and the only way to rebuild them is to spend some time alone, even though isolating is the last thing I should be doing. Unfortunately I can hardly leave my room like this much less the house. A muted cry for help is all I have because to be seen as weak is worse than any other label.
Last update: 28-06-2002 19:45
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