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day like all the others, bubble theory intact |
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| Written by Diana, on 24-06-2002 23:00 |
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Partial today was...discouraging. In processing group I talked, I shared what was on my mind and I got feedback from another group member. I had an "ice cream scoop" amount of mashed potatoes and some crackers and orange juice for lunch. Much more than my few bites of salad the past few days. Before cognitive and without really thinking, I volunteered to "stand up" for the other group members and suggest we do something other than "the bubble" today. Miss high and mighty didn't want to do the bubble, I mean seriously didn't want to so the facilitator for the processing group suggested we all tell the cognitive facilitator. I seemed the only viable candidate to bring it up. I also seem to be the only one with so much loathing for that facilitator. She's been on my last nerve since the first day I met her. Her "philosophy" clashes with my own. She also seems to think there's only one way to run cognitive group and only one effective tool worth teaching. As I brought it up and stated my case I could tell by her rebuttal that we weren't getting out of "bubble" work, no matter how hard I tried. Yet despite her scowling look and disapproving glare I continued to defend my opinion and that of the other group members. The one guy I thought would back me up did little more than sit there and watch me get hounded by this woman. Then it got personal. She was giving out much too much information about my...issue. I was "traumatized, hurt, violated," all things the other members didn't need to know. I don't think she really knows, in which case she should have kept her mouth shut. I could feel everyone's sympathetic eyes baring down on me. I wanted to run from the room screaming in terror at all that she was saying, but I held my own. Just the thought of having to return has me frightened almost to tears. She's anything but forgiving. I got lectured for ten minutes on how I should be "proud of myself" and how I'm "doing good work" just by showing up. You don't survive trauma and mental disorders by showing up. If you did, I'd be the most functioning "survivor" I know. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's attendance. The group ended without argument but with the promise of another day...like all the others: bubble theory intact. Fortunately, I may have a couple more group sessions before I have to get personal. Wednesday seems to be reserved for road rage and "awfulizing" so I should be safe. Rounding out the day with goal setting seemed ideal but miss high and mighty chose to tell all with tear filled eyes. If it had not been for my self-control, I'd be puffy and red along with her. Fortunately I have an uncanny ability to deny my eyes of tears...at all times. Almost an hour of this and I was sure I'd have to put in a word or two about being able to relate to her feelings and so on and so forth, but I was freed for the day without being tortured further. I'm almost glad my therapy apointment was rescheduled, I need an evening or so to calm myself after this whole unerving ordeal.
Last update: 24-06-2002 23:00
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