| Written by Diana, on 17-07-2001 04:18 |
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I'm watching tapes of when I was little. I want to make a tape (or collection of tapes) of myself riding both in lessons and shows which span from age three to the present (age 19). i see myself on here though I don't feel like it's me that i'm watching. These aren't times I remember. All of these events are unfamiliar to me. When asked about them I'm sure I wouldn't remember them at all. I watch this little red-headed girl run around like the world is a perfect place to be. I wasn't shy at these times. What the hell happened to me? So many things I don't remember. Such unique events, such a childhood I had. So much happiness--at least that's how it appears to be. I don't laugh at how adorable I was, nor do I cry over how things have changed. This life I watch is not mine. I did not have a conscience then, nor a long term memory. I don't remember these events...at all.
I can't believe all the things I don't remember. The first time I rode a horse (in a lesson) at age three, yet I remember other non-descript events that year. All I can say about that first lesson is boy was I born to ride. I found out today that Cyndi is looking for a place that I can "donate" my horse to. Could you make my day a little more hateful?? God, I heard that and just about freaked. Luckily I was able to calm myself long enough to leave the room. Oh god, I used to do ballet and tap dance. I used to be in competitions. I had those dances down more than a lot of the other girls. I was a little antsy. We did a dance to some song called "I'm little but I'm loud". I had makeup on and when I look at myself I see another child. I do not see myself. What a disaster it was. But the majority of us were three and four so it's to be expected. I think I was a little off beat, but at least I didn't forget my steps. Ugh! Enough already! I can only handle so much of this crap--watching a total stranger fuck up in front of an audience. Finally it's over. I thought I was going to have to kill someone if that didn't end soon. Oo and they actually have me riding in a saddle this time. But my legs are so short that I'm kicking the saddle rather that the pony's sides. Oo and we get to trot this time. Such an improvement from last week's lesson. What a huge smile I have on my face. Though I'm bouncing six inches out of the saddle. I wish I remembered this. I've never been more humiliated in my entire life! My mother seemed to have this thing with standing on the inside of the turn rather than the correct way--standing on the left side of the horse. July 5...actually lessons were several weeks apart. Oh my gosh we're posting...and yes they're commenting on my smiling as usual. I just can never wipe that grin off my face. It was obviously my calling. "Yeah Diana, that's great!" is what I keep hearing. Now I'd like to see me canter though. That doesn't happen until I find a new trainer...or two. I start jumping crossrails in less than a year but god only knows if we got it on tape. I am actually posting some of the time rather than just bouncing. I just have to comment on how cute I was with that huge grin on my face. I've been rumored to have an accent when I was little. Could that mean what I've always wanted it to mean? ...Gettin' a little bored with forever bouncing around in circles. When does it stop?! Finally, it's over. Oh my god my mother used to be skinny--my sister's seventh birthday and my mother's about a size six and my father's still running marathons so he's very skinny. I don't even remember that. I wish I could. I was so happy. What happened to me? My dance instructor was some sort of freak of nature. Scarves...definitely remember those. That was the best part of dance class. "Okay, fly away," she's day. And we'd run around with four scarves in each hand and I don't know why but it was so much fun. I haven't the slightest idea why she taught us the things she did but oh what fun we had. One of the girls in the class looks just like a girl I knew from high school who's now Miss Los Angeles County. She has that pageant face and personality. I'm not sure what her talent is though. I hope we don't have many of these because a one hour dance class for four-year-old girls is much more than I care to watch twice. Head Stands. Christmas is so unfamiliar. People there who passed away many years ago and have almost been forgotten. I feel sad to know that I don't remember how they were. Their personalities are totally foreign to me. Who were these people--I don't even recognize their voices. Everyone looks so different, though these videos were taken fifteen years and seven months ago. My mother looks anorexic, though she's no where near it. Somebody needs to learn to focus the camera because whenever he/she zooms, the face in the picture just turns into a blurry mess. Ha ha, my cousin penny with an eighty's hair-do. Complain complain. that's all we seemed to do that year. "This is obviously another happy christmas with the Sutherland family," (said with much sarcasm). At least they all know they're freaks. And they revel in it. My aunt's also a stick figure. I never would have imagined that. And again, the children eating in the other room and the adults eating in silence at the dining room table. I wore my favorite dress that year. It has yet to be topped. And there I am staring at the presents, getting just a little antsy. Looking adorable as usual in my uncle's Santa hat. I hate christmas. Looking at these videos no longer makes me wonder why. "Diana move!" Oh go to hell. That year a friend of the family bought my sister and I a life-size stuffed rein deer which we used to sleep with (in our bed) on alternate nights. And at age 4, my first computer. No wonder I'm surgically connected to my laptop here at age 19, studying to be a computer engineer. And my sister? She's in her room trying on her new clothes. Typical. God It's only 11:30pm here and I feel like going for a drive. Too bad my mother's in town this week because I would if I could. I don't want to watch this anymore. It's bringing back things I'd long since forgotten. Fortunately though, these things were so well forgotten before that I think I'll have forgotten them by morning. I keep seeing people run out of the room. Oh well though, I'm not willing to slow the tape down. I wish I could tape at a fast-forward speed. Oh my god and I even have the correct diagonal! At age 4 better yet! And my trainer's actually being funny! That's a once in a lifetime thing. Though at her present state I don't see much good in anything she says or does. Maybe because I resent her for keeping me back for her own stupid reasons. I'm riding the cutest pony I've ever seen. Ha! I'm trotting without hands!! Anyhow, this pony is a dark dapple gray. I wonder what it's name was. Definitely not the same pony I competed on. I've got to give my trainer credit though, she really had me moving up at a young age. I've always had this incredible confidence in riding ever since then. She made it so much fun and made sure I was afraid of nothing. I've grown up fearing nothing because of her. There's at least one thing she did to advance my ability. No stirrups! And I've got this huge grin on my face. Even today I ride with a huge grin on my face, fearing nothing, willing to try everything, and never willing to give up. And I started falling off at a young age. And cantering!! This pony has a real sorry gate. I can't stop laughing! That's probably not the best thing but courage never hurt anyone. I think my sister had such a hard time with it because she started at an age where she knew to fear what could get you hurt. I was too young to really realize anything. If I fell off, I probably would have forgotten it completely in a couple of days, whereas today, it stays with me for quite some time. Though this time doesn't count because I'm actually in real legitimate pain this time. Considering I have a possibly broken rib. I feel this need to organize every single object, tape, piece of clothing that I own. I think I had an unfair disadvantage because my legs were too short to reach the horse. I'd kick and kick and kick yet the horse couldn't feel it. My legs were just way too short. Besides, everyone in the classes were so much older and more experienced than me. Most of them knew how to get their horse's head down and were large enough to keep relatively still at the sitting trot. i was riding a horse many times too large for me and I just couldn't sit the trot on this monster of a thing. I look like a midget on a Clydesdale. I did get my first second place ribbon at age five against teenagers. Jesus the things they had me do against people much older than me on horses who fit them. I was five and expected to remember courses and gate combinations and several other things. Considering, I think I did pretty well. I want to show again. I miss it so. And here I go with my trainer trailing behind me, trying to keep my horse going which was way too large for me, making sure I knew my course and all the other things I had to remember, keep my heels down, bend my arms, halt at the finish, and still manage to keep my horse going while he thought I was a fly on his back, nothing he really had to pay attention to if he didn't want to. He didn't want to. Bummer dude. It took me five minutes just to get my horse turned around. I really shouldn't be watching this under the current circumstances because I really am getting close to crying. I haven't shown in well over a year and I miss it so. It was what defined me. We're selling my horse and I can't ride him for a while considering my again POSSIBLY broken rib. My trainer's going to freak when she finds out. The assistant trainer better have a little more sympathy considering he was there. He seemed different than my trainer the second I fell off because his first reaction was to make sure I was okay, which at the time I just felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Whereas my trainer would have laughed at me for a few minutes and then moved on with the lesson. And if I tell her I broke a rib, she probably won't give me any kind of reaction except to dismiss it completely and never mention it again, being completely without understanding when I tell her I'm in too much pain to ride much less jump my psycho of a horse. God, I was chubby and had major riding muscles at age five. I think this is why it's hard for me to watch home movies because I can see myself going down that path towards hell. I can see it coming too. Already at age 5 I can see it. And I get to watch my sister showing off for the camera and slowly growing up to be absolutely gorgeous with minor slip-ups here and there. I think I liked my mother better with dark brown hair. i could pretend we weren't related. Now, she dyes her hair a blonde color for some reason. Thanks for making me feel like it's okay to be just who you are. Yet I could be searching desperately for someone to blame for my eating disorder. Bummer, my sixth birthday my parents got me a clown. How humiliating. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't even sit still in my chair. I was hating life that day. I remember it very vividly. He made me wear a balloon hat thingy. I wanted to crawl in a whole and pull the hole in after me. I'm still embarrassed for my younger self. Ugh. I can't get over it. When will this torment be over?! I can't believe some of these people came to my party. Some I would never even think of speaking to if I saw them today, and others probably feel the same way about me. Why is it that my parents seemed to be the only ones at school functions with video cameras. It's really embarrassing being me. I think I've really had enough of this. Unfortunately it's only the christmas before my seventh birthday. I hate all of this holiday crap. I find it all but fun and exciting. Too many false expectations, unfulfilled hopes I guess. I'm just typing the first thing that comes to mind. Unfortunately it's after 1:00am and my mind isn't working so well. Two more tapes left before I have to dig into the video camera's small tapes which I'm sure have hours of horse shows on them. I am NOT looking forward to that. I am looking forward to therapy tomorrow though. So much has happened, though mostly in my head and I need to get it out. I've probably said it all here but that doesn't help in the least bit. Okay, this sounds weird I know but I think I had bags under my eyes since first grade. There was this time when I loved to dress up. I had dresses galore and I loved wearing them. Unfortunately, this complex I have has cut out all revealing clothing. No exceptions. Oh the things I did as a child. I was fearless. Candle in the water and you light up my life, In sign language. Probably my favorite thing I learned in all of elementary school. Ya know, I've done a lot of things in my life. I've skied in Colorado, Mammoth, Big Bear, and others. I've attempted water skiing in Lake Powel in Utah, Lake Shasta in California, the bay in San Diego, Lake San Antonio. I've gone tubing in the same places and been knee boarding as well, often times catching some air. I've camped at Lake San Antonio, Lake Shasta, Desert Hot Sprints, and in the Sequoia Mountains where a bear broke into our car and stole our food, even sat in the front passenger seat. I've been in and out of a Mental Hospital (call that what you will) and survived, I've competed in several disciplines of equestrian sports including dressage, hunter, equitation, and specialize in jumpers. I've ridden my share of wild horses and was even told I could ride a wild mustang and manage to stay on. I've worked up the self-esteem (or nerve rather) to apply to the number one college in the country, I've conquered many obstacles and even became the most skilled and accomplished jumper at a prestigious riding stable. I've ATTEMPTED to conquer the violin, flute, and piano. i've done my share of hiking and mountain biking. I had a thing with experiments in chemistry which produced explosive materials. I've taken a match to hydrogen gas. Out of all these things I've mentioned, I still have yet to have a relationship with a guy which lasted more than a couple of months. I was forced to (temporarily) drop out of college to pursue life. Had I waited a week longer to leave school, I fear the pursuit of life would have been canceled, if you know what I mean. I now perform very few, if not zero of the tasks I mentioned above. I take around eight different types of pills a day and struggle every minute of every day with anorexia and depression. I've lost more people in my life than I can apparently handle have therefore become somewhat of a shut-in. I leave my house as little as possible and if people come to my house then I take the necessary steps to avoid confrontation with them. I hate Christmas and my Birthday for various reasons and do whatever I can to get through a day in which people are involved. I dissociate often though I'm working on that, and am going on two months without cutting. You know, I watch these home movies and I start to want children. There are certain things though that I fear. They can be great enough to keep me from these things I really want deep down. Though I also see in these videos the boredom that has come from so many years of handing out presents and hoping your children still think it's from santa clause. Oh it hurts so bad to see me on all these horses showing in the various disciplines, knowing I'll never do it again. I can't even jump my horse much less show him. It's gotten to the point where I just need to sell him so that I can get over this. It hurts too much to sit back and watch everyone else show while I can't. Now that I have the time to show, I don't have the horse. Well, that's not true. I have the horse he's just figured out that if he doesn't want to jump then there's nothing I can do to make him. I hate him for that. I have to decide today whether I'm going to be able to ride Wednesday. I have a fear that my rib is broken but I also want one, the surprise I get when I tell everyone I broke my rib. Yes, I'm tough and rugged. I can fall off a horse, break a rib, and get right back on.
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