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with nose in a book, trying to escape life |
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| Written by Diana, on 17-06-2002 23:00 |
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hearing my whole pathetic existence summed up in a few sentences today was a little...well, let's just say it wasn't encouraging. My therapist wanted me to do it, in my own words but I guess I look at the obvious, "biological" rather than the mental (e.g. depression, si, ed vs. trust issues, social phobia, etc.). Besides, I wasn't willing to say it, I've never said it out loud. I'm so pathetic, I've barely even typed it or written it. I hardly even think it, it's safer that way.
At lunch today the only guy close to my age (about 28 at the least and 4'8" tall at the most) asked me "what if I got your number and I called you sometime and maybe we went to a movie or something is that something that would be difficult for you?" Then about an hour later "so when are we going out?" and I "I don't know, when are we goin'?" said in a tauntingly pathetic kinda way. And Friday when he put his hand on my arm while he was talking to me, I believe repulsed accurately describes how I was feeling. Not because it was him but just because he was...a person and he was touching me. The thought of almost anyone touching me repulses me.
My therapist wants me to tell my parents _what happened_...I can't even say it. We'd definitely need some crisis management afterwards though. Because my parents would either pull away from me completely or smother me. I think I'd prefer the former. I think even now they're getting too close, not just because the closer they get, the closer they are to finding out but because they can't...comfort me anymore. I've kept this from them for over five and a half years and although it's hurting me so much to keep it a secret, my therapist wants me to tell them. She even said that although she normally wouldn't ask someone to, she says it's hurting me to keep the secret. And although I agree more completely than I've ever agreed with anyone, I can't tell my parents. At least not in the near future. Everyone keeps asking me though, why I have depression. I can't tell them the truth but I can't find anything else to tell them either. Which poses a problem seen as I spend three days a week, five hours a day in partial, supposedly working on this stuff. It sorta doesn't help if I can't even tell them what's wrong. I can't really work on trust issues by telling people, it's just something I have to do. Things I tell them about are the "biological," things they can see and control and moderate the intensities of with medication. In other words, things that keep me from working on...the mental: trusting others and myself (something I didn't think about until today but definitely applies), isolative tendencies, control issues, perfectionist qualities, etc. I think there's a lot more there than I care to admit. It's easier to say "wipe out my depression, anorexia, ptsd, self injurious behaviors, etc. and my problems will be solved." I mean it's hard enough to say that, but add on all the mental issues I have such as difficulties with general act of living, socializing, forming relationships, and it seems like the battle will never quiet down, much less cease. I think just the fact that I'm 20 and the period in my life where I was supposed to develop all those things has just ended, is a bit discouraging. I spent five of those years with my nose in a book trying to escape my life. These days, I seem to escape my past by focusing on how difficult the present is and trying to make it seem worse than it needs to be.
Last update: 17-06-2002 23:00
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