| Written by Diana, on 16-06-2002 23:00 |
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I've seen the ultimate control and near perfection. I see it in the back of my mind every day and right in front of me nine hours a week. I can't get away from it, and I can't seem to find good enough reasons not to reach for it. I think the most I'm getting out of partial is it allows me to visit my friends who are still inpatient, and I get "Is that all you're eating?" from people there at least three times a day. Friday the only guy closest to my age (I think) put his hand on my arm while I was in the cafeteria and said, after asking me if a salad was all I was eating, that "We take care of our own." My first reaction was to jerk my arm away in fear but luckily I ran the thought, and the consequence, through my head before acting. I think it would have hurt more than just myself if I had. Sometimes it's not so easy to refrain from pulling away though. Sometimes my therapist will put her hand on my knee or my shoulder or something and one time I did pull away. But after being with her for two years it's starting to be okay. It's mainly people I don't know, guys I don't know. I think I'm getting better, slowly. I don't know how or why, I just know I don't walk around every day worried about it. I don't dwell on it, stand around a crowded place in fear of it. Not so much at least. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I've improved, but when I lay it out like that it's easier to believe that I have. My head's spinning as I sit here and write but I don't know why. I've been eating fruit all day, drinking orange juice, crackers, cheerios. Maybe I should get a nectarine, I won't be eating again until lunch tomorrow but just a little bit. And who knows what the rest of the day holds. I never know one minute in advance much less an hour or a day. If I could, I'm not sure I'd like what I see...and when the dizziness continues after I've eaten, I know it's okay to freak out.
Last update: 16-06-2002 23:00
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