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dirty harry tells no lies, then dies |
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| Written by Diana, on 13-06-2002 23:00 |
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Apparently, the fact that I bathe every day makes people think I'm a happy, healthy, functioning human being...looks are so misleading. Maybe I should stop showering for a week and develop poor dental hygiene, and, and...tear some holes in my jeans. Maybe they'll stop pelting me with stones every time someone brings up that I have an eating disorder. My clean, pressed clothes, brushed hair, and..."made up" look just isn't acceptable to them. Eating Disordered, to them means your muscles have to have atrophied, and death has to be around the corner. In other words, seeing is believing. But how many of them said no one believed they were depressed until they attempted suicide a couple times? Do I have to have a feeding tube up my nose before they'll believe me? I was in the hospital from May 24 to June 3 and Monday, June 10 I started partial: group therapy from 9am to 3pm Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Tomorrow will be my third time going. In two days, everyone's taken their shots at me, unintentionally. They've said "but you look good" which translates to me as "you're not in control." They compared me to the girl who does appear to be severely anorexic and all I hear is them telling me I'm a fake, that I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder because they can't see it. When we all "process" tomorrow morning, my therapist wants me to make a comment about this, without pointing fingers...I need to write it out first, make sure it sounds okay:
What I was thinking about yesterday is that whenever someone finds out I have an eating disorder they don't believe me because I don't look like I have one. I mean it took me two years to convince my parents and now every time someone doesn't believe me it kinda hurts. Having an eating disorder is kind of like having depression. No one believes you until it's too late. I have trouble with other things too like I smile when I'm nervous. I've just found that people don't believe me because they can't see it. That's part of the reason it's so hard to get over this, because I can't find any support, everyone's too busy questioning me.
I don't want anyone to think I'm laying blame, I just want to tell everyone to stop without actually telling them. I understand their commenting, I just need them to understand that it hurts and this is my..."kind" way of asking them to shut the hell up. Now I don't want to process tomorrow though. I'm probably gonna run this through my head tomorrow morning until I give myself a panic attack. My therapist asked if she should be worried about me...yeah, like I'm really gonna tell her she needs to worry.
Last update: 13-06-2002 23:00
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