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Words 2002 Words, June 2002 dear bela, uh i mean abby | dear bela, uh i mean abby |
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i just went to get my makeup bag and i went to the nurses' station, didn't say a thing, and the guy knew what i wanted without me telling him. "She/It smells good so she must be up" is what the mental health worker said this morning while doing rounds. and when anxiety girl hugged me last night she said "your hair smells really good" (like 14 hours after I washed it). Crabby Asian mental health worker just walked in, if I can make her like me, i can make anyone like me. She asked if I had eaten yet...does orange juice count? I'm losing weight and I want to continue losing weight at least until my smallest pair of jeans fit me comfortably again. I just went for a walk and it felt really good I think because my muscles are so tired that the walk stretched them out a little bit. Gotta burn off the calories from breakfast: two glasses of orange juice. and no caffeine, i'm going off the stuff. no headaches yet but I'm anticipating them. their diet pepsi tastes like gasoline anyhow. i feel so much better when i'm around people, i'm just amazed at that. everyone seems so down today though so they're mainly in their rooms. i get even more down cooped up in my room. That's why i'm in the lounge journaling, half lying on the couch. I'm getting a little tired though. This is where the caffeine would usually kick in and wake me up. I'm totally looking forward to "Creative Task Workshop" today. but it's not until 4:00 and it's only a little after 9:00am. Group's at 9:30 though so maybe that'll wake me up some. i've decided i want to volunteer at huntingon memorial hospital. i would prefer the mental health department but i'll take what i can get, then hopefully that will get my foot in the door for working as a mental health worker for their psych. department. That would be cool. i've just found from being here and although i'm the youngest, i love helping people. everyone who knows me seems to love me and i seem to be able to keep everyone's quirks in mind when asking them specific questions such as if they told me yesterday their meds were too strong I remember to ask today if their meds got changed and they seem to appreciate that. at dinner last night i was just sorta moving from table to table because all of my "friends" don't sit together. There's about four tables of people and i'd like to sit with them all but that just won't work so i have to pick and choose. Lunch with this group, dinner with that one, breakfast with the other. why can't i be like this outside the hospital? I'd be so much happier if I was. No breakfast, no lunch and everyone's all "where's your food young lady?" heh, I pointed to the cafeteria. "Did you eat breakfast?" Anyhow, this morning this woman who can't get up the stairs wanted to go to group but the social worker wouldn't hold it downstairs again and this woman got all upset and was crying so i went in and tried to calm her down and asked her if she wanted to just go somewhere and talk, just the two of us. and she said she wanted to and she sorta put her arm around me and just really appreciated it. so we went out on the patio and she talked to me like she was in group and i did my best to play the social worker. then we just got talking and another girl came out and we played a game called 10,000, played with 5 dice. Then we went to lunch and i asked if it would be awkward if i sat with them and didn't eat. Then one woman came in (she and i watched citizen kane together last night) crying and was sorta wandering like she couldn't figure out what to do and i walked up and very nicely insisted she sit with us. I got her silverware and someone else got her a drink and we spent most of lunch trying to get her out of the "fog" and smile if possible. about 2:45 the woman from this morning and i were alone so we talked about how the women here seem to talk about sex freely and she mentioned something about when she was/being a virgin and i sorta said "well, I'm not" and we talked for a while and now i'm gonna go to art with her because it takes her a while to get down there and it's not like i have anything to do. my pdoc came by today, i'm being discharged tomorrow. I'm not thrilled but whatever. Hopefully I'll start partial immediately and I'm still tossing around the idea of volunteering at huntington memorial hospital, i fear what they're gonna make me do. i really enjoyed helping those people today, immensely. but i'm leaving tomorrow. at partial group's all day and we get lunch here in the cafeteria which means it'll be easy as pie to not eat. i haven't eaten today, just had 4 glasses of orange juice and i'm not hungry amazingly enough. still no caffeine though which is good. my eyes are kinda bothering me at the moment but i see my new pdoc in about two weeks and i'll tell him then if they're still bothering me. i wonder where this woman is from this morning, she was supposed to knock on my door before she left. i'm listening to kenny logins - celebrate me home. great song. A few people went for a walk after dinner and we ended up stopping to talk to people. Unfortunately i was nervous as hell and just hung back until they resumed walking. I've been putting a puzzle together with this woman (age 42) and there's this new guy. I walk in his general direction and he starts talking to me like i could give a shit. luckily they transferred him to 2 east so i won't see him much at all between now and whenever i'm discharged. i'm gonna ask if my discharge can happen after 4pm so that i can go to arts and crafts because i'm going to group tomorrow from 9:30-11:00am and that's when the lady said she'd be there. i'm exhausted but i can't go to sleep because i want to call my friend really bad. and i haven't had any caffeine since early yesterday and i don't want to break that. my eyes are all screwed up. besides being tired they're hugely dilated and my vision is blurry unless i concentrate hard to focus them. i just went for a walk, my muscles feel so tight and under worked. i need to run or stretch or something. it's nice and cool outside but hotter than hell inside for some god-awful reason. anxiety girl's getting better which is nice to see. this other woman doesn't want to talk about her problems but she's having problems with her marriage. her kids are so adorable though. i need my therapist to drop by at least so i'll know what to ask the social worker tomorrow about partial. I can tell if i've lost weight by comparing my collar bones every day. they feel more pronounced today. which is a good sign because i was afraid the orange juice i drank today would have the same effect as drinking soda all day but with more...nutrients. I need to remember to ask my therapist when she'll be in her office tomorrow so i can get my keys though if she is there i may have to wait until a session is over. I should pack but i'm not in the mood. I was pretty "up" today even with all the problems that happened. it's when i'm alone or when the person i'm with doesn't want to be there is when i get depressed. and when i'm tired but i can't sleep. i get real isolative and..."leave me alone!" kinda attitude. I really should be packing or something instead of just sitting here twirling my pencil around. i've really gotten it down since I've been here, plenty of time to practice. I've got all of my...loud songs playing on WinAmp. I couldn't handle any of the slow, melodic, or depressing songs right now. I've got Alien Ant Farm, Bush, Fuel, Gorillaz, Harvey Danger, Incubus, No Doubt, Sum41, and System of a Down all playing right now. I need some happy, silly, get on your feet and dance kinda music but i'm afraid i don't have any. maybe i'll go work on the puzzle again. for the third time. it's something to do at least. the damn nurse just came in and said "I'm just gonna look around for a minute, is that okay?" and I of course said yes. then she just looked over everything, in my bathroom then said "okay" and left. This shift's full of a bunch of idiots who couldn't find their hand in front of their face. they weren't gonna let me go for a walk after dinner and almost didn't give me my makeup because the chart said "SI with Depression" and they gave me ten minutes to do whatever it was that i needed it for. ooo i can't wait until the graveyard shift comes on. these people are paranoid freaks and belong in a room of their own, going into group every day saying how they weren't hugged enough as a kid as a single tear runs down their face. i'd really like to ask what she was looking for because that's really bothering me. Then i sat down at the chair waiting for meds and she asks me how my day went. then she calls me into the nurse's station and starts a calorie count. i figured no harm in telling the truth so i said i had two glasses of orange juice for dinner. she said "aren't you hungry?" i'm sick and tired of their crap. if i don't want to eat that's my problem not theirs. i know it's because i told my pdoc how my eating disorder was going (not very good) but i'm leaving tomorrow and i went in for SI and depression, not an eating disorder. they can't do anything about that. I kind of wish they had asked me about breakfast and lunch so i could shock them some more with my strength to go without, the control i have over my body and it's wants and needs. i don't see why my pdoc is doing a calorie count now, the evening before i leave. seen as i'm leaving him, tomorrow will be the last time i have to see him. i have a feeling he's gonna lecture me about not eating or whatever. wherever i go, whatever i do they're there watching and taking notes. it's the last thing i need. i need some "alone" time. i don't have all these people to talk to when i go home. suddenly i'm the screw-up. i'm the one failing to function. Why is it such a big fucking deal? sure it's their job to keep me afloat but it's my job to swim and i choose not to. I just got LECTURED, i mean MAJORLY lectured on god and religion. i hate it when people do that. and now i'm back to panicking abut that calorie count thing and the fact that i don't plan on eating tomorrow either. they'll probably ask me again tomorrow and i'm suddenly not afraid to tell them the truth. i don't want my pdoc to come lecture me, i can't imagine anything worse. but i'm not gonna throw this out just because i can't handle him. i'm about a meal-free day away from PAC. i'm going home tomorrow. no matter what. Location: Las Encinas Hospital (again) Last update: 02-06-2002 23:00
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