| Written by Diana, on 18-07-2001 04:00 |
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My sister and I just talked. She had to tell me about a guy who she just met and talked on the phone with for three hours. We discussed him and her other boyfriends as well as this project I'm working on (I'll tell ya later). It was nice. We rarely talk anymore and she's the only one I enjoy talking to. We can actually joke about things and we know what the other's talking about (most of the time). I also mentioned my therapist running through the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Disorder which she says I have and which my mother spent the day trying to convince me I don't have. Now who would you believe? The Doctor? or the mother who has no experience on the subject? Right.
So I mentioned it to my sister who has taken several classes on psychology and she ran through the DSM IV with me and is also very convinced I have this disorder. And she knows me better than my therapist and sometimes better than I know myself. My mother looked it up on the internet and saw the word Autism and freaked. And then as I mentioned, she spent the rest of the day trying to convince me that I don't have it--like that's what I want to hear. Quite the contrary. So this project I'm working on--I'm trying to make a compilation tape (or several) of my riding competitions and various lessons (video taped) so that I can have (hopefully) one tape of my growing up on horseback. There's also various parts with my sister showing right along with me (when she was seven and eight). I believe we did a lot together. Being the younger of the two of us, I was started on things sooner in age than her. For instance, I was three when I started riding and my sister was about seven. Though chronologically, we started around the same time. I think my mother wanted to see if it stuck before she introduced it to my sister. The one thing that my sister competed at was ice skating whereas I never got past the beginning lessons. She could have been really good too. Kind of like me and riding. If only she had stuck with it. I could have seen her really excel at it. She was really good. She also picked up water skiing and wake boarding whereas I never got the hang of it. I always enjoyed getting big air on my knee board. She also loved to snow ski, even when down the wall at big bear. I'm scared to death of skiing. She's all of a sudden fearless. We've switched because I used to be the fearless one and she was overly careful. I could sit and compare the two of us for hours but I think you get the idea. (I am reminded that I also liked to do 360s on the seadoo and at one point found myself catching air) I just watched myself fuck up my second ever jumper class and could hear my mother and a friend basically talking about how bad I was riding and how this was Seabreeze's (the horse) thing to go fast but I enjoyed it and wanted to win (apparently they didn't think I would, and I didn't) Anyhow, I've been watching all of our family home movies so that I can make copies of the sections I want in chronological order and I see myself get heavier and heavier. It's really not a comforting thing. It makes me never want to eat again, but I know I don't have that kind of kind of willpower. I used to. My old habits of eating strictly fat free, low in sugar foods and even then restricting what I eat. I mean I had lost forty pounds at one point then gained about five or so when I got out of the hospital. It is very hard to go from not eating because my only option was funky-lookin' hospital food to having any and all kinds of food at my disposal. It's very hard to eat nothing at all when it all looks so good and there is this feeling of being deprived of "normal" food for 18 very long days--54 repetitive meals. Chicken Stroganoff, watery rice, red potatoes, baked potatoes, club crackers, pepsi to diet pepsi to orange slice to water. lots and lots of water, sugar free hot chocolate. Towards the end I was ordering a grilled cheese which I would tear apart and piece by piece toss into the trash can which I would position myself in front of, or if I was with Noel, one of us would sit in front of it and the other person would casually hand their food to the other to place in the trash while no one was watching. We got to eating early--7:30am breakfasts, 11:00am or so lunch, and 4:30pm dinners because there were the fewest people in the cafeteria at these times. The smaller the audience, the better. I just noticed that when I rode with Joella (age 11 to about 15) I didn't show for a long time. Actually I only showed for about the last year and a half I was with her whereas with Cyndi, I showed months after coming to her with a new horse, starting with a new discipline. It's embarrassing to watch myself learn the ropes of show jumping. I would miss timers completely, take a chance with turns that were completely bogus. We were quite a pair. Even in metal classes we were the perfect match. Myself, a closet speed freak and him...well he was out of the closet. He was gorgeous on the flat and I could be if I didn't' think too hard about it. I've gotten amazing compliments and considering I placed well against Rob Gage's clients while still getting used to a new trainer, new horse, and an amazingly competitive situation. I can't believe I completely switched to jumpers. We were a beautiful team for medal classes. And me, with this utter selfishlessness always willing to go first. And now look at me...afraid to jump my own horse in my home ring. I used to be the "head" jumper at my barn. Everyone looked up to me. I was the only jumper when I came. And eventually, I really brought home my share of blue ribbons. I cut my corners so tight sometimes that it wasn't necessary for me to go fast. Other times it wasn't necessary for me to cut my corners because my speed made up for it. I rarely mix the two. It's difficult to watch myself today winning classes, knowing that I'll never do it again. I've learned a lot in the past four years, you'd thing I'd want to do anything to keep winning, to continue moving up, learning new things. It's very hard for me to sit back and just let this all happen...but what choice do I have? We just can't continue to go on this way, it's disgustingly expensive to keep a horse these days. Jump off after wonderful jump off. Oh this is interesting hearing my parents in the background, having my own thoughts in my head about this jump verses that jump, hearing my favorite trainer in the background rooting me on, reminding me of key tricks just as I quickly canter by. Oh the adventures I might have had. On the final tape. I can only imagine the shows I'm left to see. Oh fun, my graduation's on this tape. I'm definitely not looking forward to that.
Last update: 04-12-2006 08:04
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