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Words 2002 Words, May 2002 goldy locks and the three psychotic bears | goldy locks and the three psychotic bears |
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Assertiveness: direct, polite, honest, able to have their needs met, maintain a sense of self without damaging relationship, firm, no mixed messages, eye contact. I made some new friends today, just by talking, being kind. In group I walked into the room where a new girl was sitting alone. I walked up and said "Hi what's your name?" and held out my hand to shake. She said her name, shook my hand and asked my name. We chatted for about five seconds and then people started showing up for group. In group I mentioned that I was trying to eat and do well so I could transfer to an eating disorders program, or that I was looking into it. Then the woman I introduced myself to and another woman I've been trying to hang out with unsuccessfully, just came right out and we started discussing food and groups for ED's (they over-eat while I under-eat) and just talked about it in the small time we had left. Then about 11:30am I went in for lunch and the woman I've been trying to hang out with was sitting alone again, so again I sat with her and somehow we just got talking about food, which lead to her telling me her favorite tv channel is food network so we talked about some of the chefs on there. Then the woman i introduced myself to came and asked if she could sit down so the three of us chatted, and another girl came but she didn't talk the whole time. Anyhow this one woman wanted something from the kitchen but wasn't getting it so the other woman nudged me to get it for her. I did and she was happily surprised when I came out with it. Then, she walks with a cane so I took her tray to the kitchen for her. Then after checking my phone messages I sat in the lounge and started writing and she was watching Days of Our Lives. I hope dinner's the same way because we got there when lunch started and talked until they closed the cafeteria. They all ate "normal" at lunch today while I picked at a salad and sipped a diet soda. I went for three walks today. My joints are really stiff so every three hours or so I'm gonna try to walk. I'm painting a stain glass thing in arts and crafts with a lighthouse and seagulls and a sort of "boat" theme for a border. It's cute. I still don't know if I'm leaving today or not. My pdoc hasn't come by yet so I don't' even know if he called my insurance or not. I really don't want to leave. I'm not ready. I hope my father was wrong about the co-payment being 50%, the guy told me 30% (the guy being someone working for our insurance company) It's a beautiful, mildly hot spring day and I'm sitting, well...lying with my knees up rather, on a couch in the lounge with the noise of the television in the background. Group this morning was...definitely not boring. In the communication skills group we took an assertiveness test and everyone got in the sixty and above. I got 37. Therefore the "leader" of the group picked on me the whole time. We did roll playing, the "leader" and I. It was soooo incredibly embarrassing. And if I wasn't assertive enough I had to say it again. OMG. No one ever told me I could gain weight by drinking as much soda as I do. I think I'll try drinking diet again. every other time I tried it I didn't know (duh) so I went back to it. We'll see what happens I guess. This man stopped me in the lounge while getting my things and said "I have to tell you something. Now I don't know how you're gonna take it but," (this is where I start worrying that my dog died or something), "You have the most beautiful hair." I mean WOW! Though I was afraid he was gonna touch it or something. crazy pregnant-looking woman in the leotard said "We'll call you [bela], girl with the golden locks," then this man chimed in and said "Goldy Locks." Well, I've got something going for me after all. He went on about how he saw me walk by and was gonna follow me but I went down the hall into my room and when I came back is when he stopped me. You know I can't exactly see my hair from the back but, you know those commercials where the hair is so smooth and tangle-free that you can just run your fingers through it? Well, mine totally feels that way. I have a feeling if I blow-dried it it wouldn't feel this way anymore so I'm gonna try to do this from now on, just let it dry on it's own, the waves in front are really cute, just a small piece sort of underneath has perfect waves and my hair stays out of my face mostly. Anyhoo, enough about my hair. The soft sensual lull of the humming machines, broken and battered by unseen hands, forceful yet vigilant they lie and cheat with heartless souls of stone. To reconcile take my hand, learn patience from watching me, for I am the machine you battered and broke, the other me inside, the one who feels hunger, cries tears of rain. I'm lost without your steel facade, drink me in or I'll fade away and shelter me in battle, for you and i are two pieces of the same amazing whole, hidden away with your own hands, so you could take control. Not bad, not bad. Could be better, may have to be in my shoes to understand it but I don't care. I'm actually really liking it. I feel like the next time I stand up too quickly I'm gonna black out. Two tiny bowls of salad and yogurt seem to no longer hold me over. well...once maybe but not two days in a row. it feels great though. I thought I wouldn't miss this feeling but I do. I ate dinner with the red head tonight because she said "Why yah sittin' all the way over there?" and when she saw my salad said, "What, are you on a diet?" I didn't want to. She's nice and all, it's just that our conversation was quite strained. then I didn't know what to say when I left or if I should sit and "chat" for a while until they finished their food. I wish those people I hung out with at lunch want to do something other than sit in their rooms with the doors shut. the local RN's doing rounds and I had to explain why my mood is down from yesterday..."They're sending me to an eating disorders program in San Diego." Hey, it got him off my back. He's a little older than me so I didn't want to spill my guts. (Oh and lying is sooo much better...kidding) At dinner I asked this one girl to sit with us because she was eating alone. We talked about food the entire time. She said she feels depressed when she eats candy or something. I said I feel guilty if I eat anything. She said yes, I definitely have an ED. That eating shouldn't do that...well DUH. Still no word on my discharge. ooo never mind, my mother just called and said I'll be here 3-5 more days so no more worrying *wink* well my therapist just left, actually I went for a walk after she left. She talked to my mother about the eating disorder program in san diego. apparently she's okay with me going. My therapist really wants me to go, I need my one last hurrah before I go. I'm not eating tomorrow. Right now I'm hardly eating but I am. Two salads and yogurt throughout the day. I have to be LOW to go there, if you know what i mean. my hands are shaking really bad. i think they stopped after i ate so i think they'll be back. whenever i stand i feel like i'm gonna blackout. i was sitting at dinner, just sitting there and all of a sudden i thought i was gonna faint. it was an awesome feeling, kinda scary though. how embarrassing that would be. right in front of three people who can't seem to stop eating. i don't know if this is gonna go over well but we'll see. i may have to pretend, if that's possible. i don't have anyone conspiring against me though i also don't have anyone to help me either. oh well, they don't have any orders to count calories or make sure i eat or make me sit outside the nurse's station for 90 minutes after each meal. lucky, lucky me. they just might regret that. my therapist's the only one pushing me to eat, she sees me every day too. she knows i'm not eating and i'm not gonna eat just because she says to. she said "eat a square meal three times a day" and I sorta...uh huh, sure kinda sarcasm. she laughed but i don't think it was because i said anything funny. i can't get my head to stop spinning. i was just sitting here and i was so dizzy. just walking from the lounge to my room was work. i hardly have enough energy to pick up my feet. on my walk i was afraid i'd faint i was so tired. my therapist wants me to tell my pdoc about the dizziness and the shaking. he's bound to ask if i'm eating. i'm really really weak right now like i can't even hold up my head weak. it feels great but it's a bit unfun when you can't share it with someone, laugh about it. right now everyone's old enough to "mother" me. the red-head even said that i must be hard being to much younger than everyone else (not to my face) It is socializing-wise but everyone likes me, thinks i'm cute and if that's all i can get, then i'll gladly take it. i would prefer the relationship i had with my roommate before she left but i have a single room now so it's hard to meet anyone and be that close. i can't even find someone to hang out with between meals. it's awkward eating like i do in a group of people but i'll take it if it's all i can get. i just played scategories with the two people i wanted to make friends with. i had fun, even though i was getting impatient. Location: Las Encinas Hospital (again) Last update: 30-05-2002 23:00
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