| Written by Diana, on 26-05-2002 23:00 |
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Breakfast: hash brown with some wheat bread hardly toasted, no butter. I told them no eggs and no coffee but I got them anyhow with a banana. I'm so cold I want to just go back to sleep. Finally I got to do my makeup and they ordered me some food I'm wiling to eat, hold the broccoli. They'll probably put something fatty on it though, some butter or olive oil. It probably looks like I've been crying too but I'm really just sooo tired. I got like 8 hours last night also. YAY I just saw Dr. Polaquin and she said I get to go downstairs to the open unit! She's actually very nice, I just had a horrible experience. I haven't the slightest idea when or if the nurse is gonna get mad if I ask like I'm saying wow! or something. I don't want to seem pushy but I want to go so bad. Well, it seems I can't leave until after lunch, which is fine but why am I tearing up? Is it because it' sonly 11:00am and I'm already bored as hell and tired. Grouchy grams doesn't want to do group so I'm hoping Kim cancels it. I really don't want to have group alone, especially with her because she always asks these really probing questions. But whatever, we ended up playing a game, the two of us and she said she's doing after therapy in the OT Building and suggested I go. She's cool so I'm gonna try. The charge nurse said I'm leaving for the open unit about 1:30 so I'll be able to go to group tomorrow morning and concoct my own meal for dinner including soda which they haven't been giving me. I'm sitting here staring at a lunch I'm not gonna eat. I had a little wild/long grain rice, fruit, and a bit of roll . There's also steamed cauliflower and carrots, string beans in the rice, and a tomato and red onion salad (ick!) They weighted me again today and it said I was 3 lbs lighter than friday evening, 1.5 days ago. I have a hard time believing that. I can't wait to fix my hair, put my tennis shoes on (with laces) and go outside, do something other than read and write. Dr. Polaquin is putting me on Neurontin for sleep, then maybe upping my effexor and/or prozac and ceraquil if the Neurontin doesn't work. I hope they have some new things to make in the OT Building. I don't want to have to make another box, or rocking horse. I've had my fill. I'm hop some of the people I saw living downstairs have left, I think I'll be pretty uncomfortable if they're still there. "Is there anyone we can call for family session?" ...No Dinner: Small salad and a few bites of mashed potatoes and gravy, finally a soda. All my things are here with the exception of my makeup, blow-dryer , and curling iron which i can pick up any time, use, and return. Just after I got situated, my roommate walked in. She's nice and all but I was hoping for a single. I was supposed to be in the trauma group tomorrow but I don't think anyone knew my therapist wanted me in it so that poses a problem. I'll only be here again for the Wednesday one but I'm not sure Michelle can get me in it that quick because she's only coming in Tuesday night. She was only gonna come back wednesday evening but luckily she switched, otherwise she'll get back just in time for my discharge. Everyone's at dinner except me, I ate at geriatric hour 4:30pm. But I'll go to bed with a happy hungry stomach at least. My parents are gonna be all upset that I didn't call them "We're paying all this money and you didn't even call once!" Fuck off. I think now I'm more afraid of going home than staying here. Yesterday I spent all day with no makeup on and although quite uncomfortable at first, I'm suddenly not all obsessive over it, although let me wear it everyday for say a week, then I may again be obsessive. It's memorial day weekend and no one's around. I was the last patient in 2 west and now it's empty, plus they closed mariah. It seems crowded in the lounge but I think that's because all the druggies have come down to watch the Lakers game on the bigscreen. While I was getting my meds some old lady walked up and said "You have such beautiful hair" and considering I haven't washed it, blow-dried it, curled it, or brushed it in over 24 hours, that's really saying something. Well, I haven't blow dried it or curled it since Friday morning. It's now Sunday evening. There's an OA meeting Monday at 6pm and Tuesday at 7:30pm. I hope they're free. That would be kinda silly if you did have to pay when you could just use the money for drugs, alcohol, food/diet pills. I think my roommate has a visitor which totally sucks because I don't and won't while I'm here with the exception of my therapist. I don't want to be in here if they are but there isn't much to do . What really sucks is that my computer stopped working. It's doing that "fade to white" thing that it loves to do. It was working fine when I left, maybe it doesn't like time off either. I haven't used it since Friday 3am. I think I'm sorta glad that I'm here alone. Gives me a break for a little bit. I think maybe I'll write down what happened and e-mail it to my parents, after letting my therapist proof read it. We have a window inside our room, like they expanded it but left the part with the window on it. It's quite ungodly in appearance. It's got curtains and everything but if you climbed through it, you'd still be in the room. Very peculiar. My computer still isn't working so I figured I'd let it run silent for a little bit then later I'll reboot and see if that works. Good thing I'm chatty at the moment otherwise I'd be in agony right now without my computer. I would like to type this all up before it gets too long though. I hate it when newbies come in from medical schools, they're allowed to just walk up to you and say "why are you here? why would you want to cut yourself?? why don't you eat?? why? why?? why???" It's annoying as hell. I think I'm gonna wander and see where my phone gets service, I'll probably end up outside though with the insomniac druggies smoking their little hearts out all over the patio. Yeah I've got to bars at the door to the patio, maybe I'll have three or for outside. I saw a few cell phones out anyhow, one guy even used it near the nurse's station, though I don't want to be indoors that late with rooms just around the corner. Well, now that I'm out of the locked unit, people are finally treating me like I'm not gonna slit my wrists while they have their backs turned, which is nice. I'm enjoying my freedom immensely. There's a special "Memorial Day Schedule" for tomorrow so I'm gonna go see if I can find out about that. I hate not being in the loop. Well, look at that, I've run out of things to say. It seems I am gadget obsessed. I am just not the same person without my palm pilot, cell phone (at least here), and most of all my laptop. even now, I'm writing but I'm thinking "dammit! I need my gadget fix!" I'm not looking forward to morning either, or sitting around the house while I should be in school, and figured how to drop philosophy. My mother won't do it for me. I can't ask her to anyhow and I don't want her rummaging through my things to find the information I need. The charge nurse on 2 west started lecturing me about god today. I about wanted to smack her. she just wanted to help I'm sure but you don't tell a suicidal atheist to look to god for answers. It's ridiculous. Cyndi used to ignore me when I cried and Joella used to get angry/upset when I cried and would tell me there's nothing to cry about or whatever. Why don't I cry, for real? Because everyone notices, everyone wants to put their hand on your shoulder, or hug you or comfort you, be sympathetic. All of the above are certainly avoidably by simply holding back the tears. It also shows weakness, a loss of control. It shows that you need help, something you deny at all costs, no matter how great. I cry very easily but I don't cry at movies or oddly, when someone dies (though I don't know about immediate family) I don't gasp when a small child is reported murdered on the news or when my sister's boyfriend breaks up with her after 4 years. I don't cry when my family teases me, nor when they ignore me. My weakness is conflict. When my parents call to say they don't want to pay my hospital bill, I cry. When I'm left someplace I don't know and I'm scared I cry. When I'm lectured I cry...eventually. I'm actually kind of glad that I have a roommate because it's scary being in a big room all alone at night. Even more so in lockdown but it is here too. She seems really nice but she has kids so she has visitors regularly I'm sure. That still puts me alone a lot which was what I hated so much about two west. I spent half the time there alone. everyone was transferred 24 hours before me . Lonely Bela eating breakfast along, lunch with Grouchy grams eyeing my fruit bowl, complaining that there's not dessert and that her cornish game hen was too much food, though she thought it was chicken so she complained about having chicken two days in a row. She wouldn't even go to bed last night, she just kept getting up with only a gown on wandering down the hall, hollering her OWN name. IT scared me to death, especially since the charge nurse made us leave the doors all the way open. She did like a whole re-check of my things when she came on duty yesterday. Even insisted on sticking her hands in my pockets to make sure. Sooo not cool. I hated her, she was fat and ugly and thought she knew it all just because she worked there. I'm still in complete shock that they did a pregnancy test on me. I mean geese, let's just take the tiny bit of self-esteem I have left and shove it down the drain pipe, how's that sound? I am just not in the mood for anything right now . I went to the OT room for arts and crafts and started with a unicorn thing, painted it white, sponged the neck and face with gray, painted the main and beard gray and dry brushed them with silver. The I painted the horn silver and dry-brushed it gold. Everyone thought it was so pretty but i hate it. If i can do that poorly on a stupid dapple gray unicorn, just imagine how his eye's gonna turn out. So I left 20 minutes early, I really wasn't into it, so I ate dinner before they started doing checks in there. That way no one would know what I ate, or didn't eat rather. They wrote down what i ate at each meal then lectured mea bout it in 2 west. I'm sick of it. I have this fear that the full length mirror in my room is lying to me, I look good in it so it must be. I'm actually not hating my hair this way. All wavy and imperfect. You'll never catch me wearing it like this around school. I hope it's not too cold outside because i think I will end up out there if I don't get yelled at for it. All the druggies have come inside which means they stopped smoking which means they had a good reason and i have a hard time believing they came in just to watch the video. It'd have to be one damn fine video. Dinner's well over and it's almost "personal journal time" which, as you can tell, I extended that time to start at 7am and end some time this evening with a few breaks in-between. I'm so beyond happy to be here instead of a locked unit. I can't even explain it to you. especially one where there's one nurse to a patient. They seem to love pretending to be therapists. I hope lisa doesn't get all "are you okay??" some how, I don't know how yet, my sister's gonna be effected by all this. ooo my roommate says she goes to bed about 11pm. I hope she's not just saying that because i told her i was going outside to call a friend. I need to stay up but I'd hate to keep her up.
Location: Las Encinas Hospital (again)
Last update: 26-05-2002 23:00
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