| Written by Diana, on 25-05-2002 23:00 |
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I feel like I need to compensate for not being able to tell what I'm feeling by showing it. In my house you don't discuss these kinds of things. I'm so used to "sucking it up" but I can only do that for so long. Everything I try to do doesn't work and everything I did in the past I can't do for one reason or another (riding, running, etc.) I've been working on eating and when I told my parents they acted annoyed. Now I have to work on it alone, with no support and now not eating is no longer a coping mechanism so I went back to cutting. I feel like I have no control unless I'm not eating or cutting. But this time, instead of just a test or a family get-together, everything's hitting me at once. I feel like it was unfair of my father to ask me to tell him everything before he'd let me come here, which only made things worse. Like I have to tell him my whole embarrassing life story to get better. I've just heard such bad outcomes. With the way they're acting towards an obvious eating disorder, I can only imagine what they'd do if I told them this. There's no way they'd believe me, or they'd be angry that I didn't tell them right away.
I'm upset that I'm not downstairs where I can go to group and talk to people and get better. I'm not sleeping and I can hardly think straight I'm so uncomfortable. And on top of that, I'm here alone, without my parents' support. And there's so little to do around here that I can't figure out how to keep busy. I can't even go to group. I can't explain my trigger foods to the dietician so he just looks at me when I tell him all I can't eat. But if I eat my trigger foods, it's just gonna make things worse.
Okay, two people in the group is not something I can do. He wants me to talk about what happened, I'm not even willing to let him know what it is that happened. That's an issue for one-on-one or trauma group. Dr. Polaquin came by today, said we'd talk more tomorrow. Didn't even consider transferring me. Unless I get transferred tomorrow and get settled, I'm not gonna be able to call my friend. Everyone's leaving, except me and an old, OLD grouchy woman. They don't understand eating disorders here, and trigger foods. I can't explain what'll happen if I eat the potato they gave me with dinner. Kim (recreational therapist) came by today and we played "Blurt" with two other guys and I won both games. Whod'a' thought I'd ever win that game eh? I want to redo my makeup but apparently they have to "supervise" and they won't make time . All I want is my foundation, chapstick and a little eye liner. I don't see what the fuss is. Four people have now lectured me about things they don't know. The social worker was pretty cool but the rest just added to the stress. This has been the longest day of my entire life and it's only 5:35pm though I've been awake for 13.5 hours. Today I had a few bites of a pancake, oj, and milk for breakfast. For lunch I had a bite of a veggie burger (it tasted like cat food on a bun) a couple pea pods, a couple bites of rice, and a couple bites of a wheat roll, with apple juice. And for dinner I had a tiny bit of salad, a bit of soup and bites of celery, and a bit of a wheat roll dipped in the soup. I'm STUFFED. They're gonna try to make me eat snack @ 8:30 as well, I just know it. I'm glad they didn't send me to Mariah because they closed it, I would have been stuck in PPAC ppac. I'm picturing padded walls and restraints. They did a pregnancy test on me. Yeah, lets add insult to injury. I mean COME ON. Supposedly Kim left "Hook" for "us" to watch but it's really just me. Grouchy Grams passes through the lounge every now and then but I could probably turn on the bathroom scene of Trainspotting and she wouldn't notice. News, basketball, and stupid Saturday morning shows full of "lessons to learn" are making my head ache. I'm kind of starting to not mind being stuck here alone. I'm sure it'll go away though, it always odes. OMG sneaky girl.."What would the world be like without captain Hook?" (from the scene where he puts a gun to his head) sneaky sneaky. And there's some mental health worker guy in here probably looking for my reaction to that and the time he said it, I was just picking up my journal...I wonder how that looks. "Think happy thoughts Peter!" hmmm...I wonder if I'm supposed to get something out of that *scratches head* I think so.
Location: Las Encinas Hospital (again)
Last update: 25-05-2002 23:00
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