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a success, with superhero powers |
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| Written by Diana, on 20-05-2002 22:43 |
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Unfortunately I've recently discovered why cutting was so painful the past few months, as opposed to the two years before that. It never crossed my mind that maybe it was the blunt, serrated objects I was using. Finding my razors the other day was probably the worst thing that could have happened. Thursday evening I painlessly cut seven times. Sunday evening I painlessly cut eleven more times. Painlessly being the key word. Of course the after effect is quite painful, but what's the use if it's not? I've spent the day constantly in motion. If I stop for so much as two seconds...I don't want to be here to find out what'll happen. My desire to recover is being threatened. The past few days all I could think was "If there was a guarantee that if I stopped eating today, I would one day be successful at starving myself to death, I'd stop." But there's no such guarantee. There's only the guarantee that if I failed, the rest of my life would be ruined. Not over, just ruined. But ruined is the least desirable of all outcomes. I have to be a success, with superhero powers to stop at any point I choose, a failure with enough strength to erase it (recover), or, supposing superhero powers are reserved for superheroes and their sidekicks, I have to be a success to end all successes. But success at starvation only leads to one thing. And that desire in me is a grain of sand, hardly visible. And each time I reach for it, it slips farther away, out of my reach. So maybe I turn back, pretending there isn't sand in the rafters. Unfortunately for me, I'm obsessively clean, and I won't stop until I reach perfection, at all costs.
Last update: 20-05-2002 22:43
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