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it's not exactly rocket science |
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| Written by Diana, on 19-04-2002 06:18 |
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One year ago today I was admitted into Los Encinas Hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideology, cutting on my arms and legs and anorexic traits. I had given up. I had withdrawn from college and for once in my life, I didn't care to go back. Now, one year later, I'm back in school majoring in computer science, taking Calculus 2 and Java and I'm one month from completing those courses. In three hours I register for the summer session and spent the morning planning out my next two years of college, with great excitement. I am no longer suicidal and I rarely cut. With these improvements though, there are a few negative aspects to my living arrangement. Besides the very little web design I still enjoy doing, I never draw or paint, I rarely take photographs, I've sold my horse, and leaving the house has become something I do only when absolutely necessary. I leave for school and therapy regularly, but otherwise I leave if I have no choice in the matter. I don't use the phone except in very special cases or out of necessity. The matter of food has become tiresome. Though I still have similar philosophies, they have improved--improved a very small amount, but improved nonetheless. My world, though on the outside appears greatly improved, is, on the inside, in great need of adjustment. One year since I hit bottom, you'd think things would be better than they are. Sometimes it feels as though all I need to fix my life is to graduate college. Two and a half years with freshman status makes one think it will never end. It's already been forever and I've gone nowhere. And although they're not in my head, thinking what I do, everyone around me believes they know what's best, believes that if I just studied harder, just ate normal, just went out with friends and had fun, I'd be perfect. If things were that simple, I wouldn't have chosen this path in the first place. Why torment yourself with lifelong misery when you can snap your fingers and make it all go away? It's not exactly rocket science.
Last update: 19-04-2002 06:18
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