| Written by Diana, on 09-04-2002 10:07 |
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I'm starting to think that maybe staying sick is less painful than recovery. I want so badly to be perfect and it's just killing me to think that each day that goes by where i'm not trying is just one more chance lost. This little world of mine is crumbling at my feet. school and all. whether or not i obsess over food is not immediately effecting school. what's effecting school is my inability to physically be there and be relaxed and attentive, and then go home and not be completely overwhelmed by the task at hand. even now isolated and alone i'm afraid everyone can see me, that i'm totally exposed. unrealistic, i know. it's all quite unrealistic yet it all seems to hold a snippet of credibility at times. yet those times too often show their face. every time i glance in a mirror, a window, i see another reason to press on, another reason to fuel this...thing, this...horrible thing. This thing that no one sees, that no one wants to see. Because who CHOOSES to be sick, who CHOOSES ultimate death over, well, the alternative? Since when is death more desirable? And a slow death at that? I guess when I think of "speaking to people" i don't think about those who already have it but those who don't. Because it's hardest to stop once it's been started, undoubtedly. Not that I find myself a hopeless case, just that it's harder than it looks to "just eat," much, much harder. when something seems too good to be true it often times is. I've been crying and I'm afraid it's obvious. One more reason to judge me.
Last update: 09-04-2002 10:07
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