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the greatest loss of life |
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| Written by Diana, on 19-07-2001 04:20 |
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I need a reason not to feel like a failure. I really thought I could handle this. I thought I'd be okay.
I think being in a mental hospital, well, the situation sort of speaks for itself. I've only shared it with one person. The rest, well I don't think they've showed me that they deserve to know. --1:40am
I think I aim to high. Well, I KNOW I aim too high it's just that I don't really think about it while I'm doing it. It's after the fact that it starts to hit me, and then it's too late. I think I also wrap my life around dreams and then lose all respect for myself when I don't actually fulfill them.
Certain "dreams" included (and maybe still does) ending up in an eating disorders clinic--I think maybe because that would mean I succeeded at my eating disorder. As long as I'm out here, I haven't succeeded as an anorexic to the full extent. And I think of that every second of every day that goes by and I'm still "free" to do what I feel is necessary. Ya know, I still look in the mirror and see the awkward girl who weighed more than her friends. How much more? Enough. Weight wasn't exactly a hot topic of conversation among the group. It was obvious who was too skinny, too fat, perfect. It wasn't necessary for us to discuss it. It was on our minds every day and yet we never talked about it. We watched what everyone ate and made up our minds as to who would weigh the most, the least, and the perfect weight, once high school came around. But that was a long time ago. I think my biggest mistake in all of middle school and high school was hanging out with the "in" group just because I could rather than hanging out with people I felt comfortable around and had things in common with. Nope, I just HAD to hang out with the best of the best. I'll never forgive myself for that. I didn't even really fit in. Unlike everyone else in the group, I was still friends with those who were dropped from the group simply because of their weight, taste in clothing, grades. I think I'm forever scarred by those who judged. Judged who? Everyone. I could see it in their eyes that I was being judged, and I could hear it in their voice that they didn't always approve. Though I'd have been the laughing stock of crescenta valley high school if my "situation" was known--my suicidal/homicidal tendencies, the anorexia, cutting, etc.--I know that they wouldn't have dropped me. I was worth something to them. They gained something by being my friend, or acting as though they were my friends. I still to this day am not sure what it was but I always knew it was there. The "in" crowd really wasn't known for being discrete. Their thoughts were obvious as were their, well, everything. They could hold no secrets (that's why my life stayed secret, which was the thing I would never let get out). and when I finally dropped THEM, probably for fear they'd drop me--it's like breaking up with a boyfriend just so that they couldn't break up with you--I really felt like I had done the right thing. And still do to this day. I don't regret leaving high school without any friendships. I happily went my own way and do believe that had I stuck around, I would not have been able to stay sane as long as I did (replace "sane" with whatever word you used to describe this situation I speak of, it just happened to be the easiest way to express a difficult thought). I want to tell my old friends what was really going on with me, let them know how little they knew about me, but I don't care enough about them to let them in. I don't want to be close to them. I lied straight-faced to my neighbor when she came to visit over christmas break. If I were to tell anyone, she would be the first, but she's so full of herself now that she's in college that I did all I could not to throw up. Her "lets be friends again" routine was just so beyond desirable. I was ashamed to call her my friend. She was the same person I knew in high school, the same person I had known since we were three, she was just older. Nothing more. She hadn't even grown up any, matured at all. I hope to think that with all I've been through this past year, I gained some respect for people in general. I think I try harder to make people feel welcome in whatever situation we find ourselves--even it that's not my job. I want to go to sleep but I'm afraid I won't wake up at the sound of my alarm (again). Besides, I think I've had enough caffeine to keep me awake for another two lifetimes. i've stopped believing people when they tell me how smart I am. I'm not so sure anymore. Nothing I do seems that great anymore. What's always running through my head is that someone else could have done it better. Nothing's ever good enough anymore.--3:20am
"The greatest loss of life is not death but what dies inside us while living"-Unknown
Last update: 04-12-2006 08:00
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