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i've never so seriously considered |
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| Written by Diana, on 30-09-2007 23:31 |
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I made dinner. I wasn't hungry and I'm trying not to eat unless I'm hungry, and then only until I don't feel hungry (not until I'm "full") but I'd only had a soda and two beef-style taquitos so I thought I should eat. It was 8:30pm and I didn't want to get hungry and end up eating after 10:00pm. Afterall, my new back-door reminder note says "If you're not hungry or it's after 10pm -- YOU DON'T NEED FOOD! Chew gum or drink water!" At least this one isn't putting myself down.
Harmless. Just a friendly reminder. It hasn't worked until yesterday evening. I wanted the Goldfish I picked out for lunch at the museum yesterday but I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO EAT THEM if you know what I mean.
I headed into my room with my pasta that I didn't want to eat and realized it was 9:00pm, time for the Dexter Season Finale. I set down my food and rushed out to remind my father, who's also started watching the show. He told me to come out and watch it with him but I said I couldn't, I was eating dinner. He insisted I eat out there with him so we could watch it together...so much for dinner. I took a few belabored bites and feigned distraction; drank my water, let the cat inside, stared famously at the television. I should have studied drauma. He mentioned I didn't eat much and said something about disctration and I touched the pasta with my finger, "Still good", stood up to leave. "It's still warm", walked the bowl into my room and set it down. So much for dinner. Dexter was good though. It's gonna be a good season.
My stomach hurts, whether from the pasta or something else I don't know but the soda I had this afternoon made my stomach hurt too. Or maybe it was the two beef-style taquitos I had for lunch. I don't want to be. Not like this. I wish I had the strength to take all the pills in my arsenal. If I didn't have to worry about my parents being angry...I can't even call my therapist, and I really want to right now. She's allowed me to but I've never been able to call her like this. I can't wake her up for my stupid problems, even though I often times feel worse when I have to walk in and tell her I didn't caller like she asked, like she made me promise. Cutting is bad, I know. I feel pain, another reason not to cut. That whole numb feeling eludes me. It's been a long time. I don't even have anything, nothing obvious that is. I've never so seriously considered taking pills.
Last update: 01-10-2007 02:17
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