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there's darkness everywhere |
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| Written by Diana, on 24-11-2007 00:36 |
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I'm so depressed. I'm getting closer and closer to that place where I no longer care to exist. Everything is bringing me to tears, I feel like crying without any reason. I feel like it's been nighttime for the past 48 hours, like the sun hasn't come up, there's darkness everywhere. I shouldn't have gone to the Grand Prix last weekend. I've been unbearably sad ever since. A part of me disappeared when I stopped riding, not to mention the fact that I fear what has happened to my horse. I can't even write about it. It's too sad. When I wrote my first suicide note at 16 it concluded with the fact that I would follow through if It wasn't for not knowing what would happen to my horse. People were talking about old side saddles and asked me if I'd ever ride again yesterday at Thanksgiving and I could only smile like it didn't make me sick inside.
To pass these hours and days I'm off work, I've been working. I'm doing an XHTML 1.1 standards-based redesign of the site. The only visual changes are a major increase in accessibility (accessskey attribute, label tag, etc.) and I've been validating everything. I started with XHTML 1.0 Strict last weekend and for some reason scrapped that for XHTML 1.1. I've learned a ton over just the past 24 hours but it's really not the point. I've got to keep moving, working, something. Playing games isn't enough of a distraction from reality so I go back and forth from sleeping to working to sleeping again jut to keep it together. There's chips and ice cream and regular Coke in the house and that hurts. I can't stop eating chips and now that they're here and there's an open bag...I'm afraid of the ice cream in the outside freezer. I can't eat and manage the holidays. Last year at this time I wasn't eating at all, I was underweight, and I can manage the holidays on that. Pretending to be normal and functional and happy and not eating disordered (especially when I can't control even the TYPE of food I eat) ... I want to cut in a bad way, like something I can't hide, my hand my wrist my neck. I just feel like everything is unraveling.
Last update: 28-11-2007 01:23
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