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| a day of reckoning |
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I've come up with an incredibly simple solution to my dilemma...how stupid i was. when my trainer's teaching (as apposed to the assistant trainer who knows my dilemma) I just won't wear my helmet, that way she won't ask me if I want to jump--then i won't get mad at her and I won't have to make up some stupid lie. Problem solved...in my head anyways. We'll just have to test it out to find out for sure. 07-25-01 1:39pm i miss the hospital so much...is that weird? The only thing is my friend won't be there. though for the short time in the middle when she was gone i made so many new friends. and while she was there, I spent all my time in my room waiting for her to come out of her room and anticipating the next meal and how I was going to get out of the cafeteria without eating anything and on top of that, without getting caught. but then i'd go back to my room after I spend 90 minutes with her outside the nurse's station and i'd twiddle my thumbs until either the next meal came or nine 'o clock meds were ready so that I could go take them and go to bed. life was very uneventful with her there though I missed her terribly when she was gone. until of course i started to believe she wasn't coming back. then all was well, just a little lonely. people came, i made friends with them, and then they left. it was terribly painful. I spent one night crying in my room with a girl who had OCD and we had just found out after waiting for hours for therapists (mine never showed) that she was leaving the next morning. she sat across the way on the other bed while i tried desperately to stop crying. i felt so stupid. i don't know how old she was but she looked young and was married to a very nice looking guy. they fit each other well. i still miss her today. then another woman who also cut and pointed out my scars the first day she was there (I knew we'd hit it off) and we struggled through meals together, both of us pushing our food around on our plate, eating as little as possible, i felt so much less alone. it was a great feeling. then she too left, and I again had a very hard time seeing her go because at this point there was no up and coming plan for my discharge. No date set. Not even any talk of discharge. It was hard to watch everyone leave. One by one they were all discharged, even those who were admitted after me. But then my friend came back and all my worries went away because I thought as long as she was there, no length of my stay was too long. I started to enjoy and even feel comfortable and safe being there. I felt like nothing in the world could hurt me now...I was so wrong. 07-25-01 2:28pm you know, I made a lot of friends in the hospital--most of which had children my age maybe a little younger--and they all seemed to feel they needed to "mother" me since their own kids weren't there and my mother failed miserably at the "mothering" aspect of life. I hate to say it but I just reveled in it. "Take a bite for me..please?", "Have you eaten today?" It was something my mother never did. It wasn't until a family session with my mother about a week after I went into the hospital that my mother found out I had an eating disorder. For some reason the fact that I wouldn't put anything in my mouth that contained even an ounce of fat, didn't make her stop and think for even a second. The butter on the potato incident seems to be a recurring point in therapy. Not that I mind but that incident is sort of a defining point. My therapist seemed to use that situation to convince my mother I had an eating disorder. Boy wasn't that an eventful session. I wanted to smack my mother afterwards. Speaking of that session and "mothering" my friend and this guy who was supposed to be visiting his brother and could have been my father (whom I made fast friends with) both walked me to my therapist's office before the family session and gave me a hug and a "good luck" as I walked towards my doom. I remember every second of that day. It was something I strive to have in my life--something i've been deprived of for quite some time. People would just come up to me and be friends, I didn't have to do anything but sit there and reply to their many questions. they seemed at awe that I was in that place. Why do people look at me and see perfection when I feel and see my self as the exact opposite? Why? 07-25-01 2:47pm I think the only thing i've missed out on this time around is that "mothering" aspect of life. My mother doesn't do that, or rather doesn't know how to do that. She seems to want to but whenever she tries she tends to fail miserably. It also seems to me that this particular aspect of life is the only thing I find my self really wanting out of life. I've experienced it as I mentioned before just not from my own mother. Only from people who seemed to know I didn't get it from my mother so they tried to give it to me. I think it's the only thing I really find myself angry at my mother for not providing me. All the other anger seems to be misplaced anger. I'm going to bed. I just can't handle this...this incredible desire tonight. Because I know I'll never get it. I'll spend the rest of my life pining for it. 07-25-01 10:30pm Last update: 25-07-2001 14:39
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