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there's safety in darkness |
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| Written by Diana, on 08-09-2001 01:49 |
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I just ate a bagel. A very small bagel. With some cream cheese. I was stuffed...huh...how small i hope my stomach is getting. Then i started eating cheese-its like they weren't going to add on 10 lbs in the long run. Am I pitied? I have this fear i am and that's the only reason people are so kind to me. Because before...only people I knew, i mean really knew were nice to me. People I had known for years were never as nice to me as people who know nothing of me but my problems. I'm not saying this is the worst thing in the world. It's just weird is all. A guy from kindergarten has been nice to me--i mean overly kind and sweet and...--too nice i think these past couple years. It boggles my mind. A guy so different and unique and popular being kind to me. I'll never understand. I mean i hung out with the "in" crowd but he ran for prom king...and won. Yet he's hollering "hey [bela]" all the way across the street...where he stands with his friends...and i, alone once again. Yet he's not afraid to be seen talking to me...amazing. I'm never sure if I should believe him or not. Is he mocking me in his salutation? How can I say i'm suicidal and then have some complete stranger write me like he's my closest friend? How? Guys aren't like that...at least none i've ever known. Freshman year in high school, I'm wandering around with my wacko friends--one wanna-be-black girl and another who walks like a friggin' penguin--and a group of guys walk up, make fun of these two girls and one asks me if i'd go out with him. I'm short, he's shorter, he takes me aside and says "If you say yes, i get five bucks," so what the hell, I say "Sure I guess" then i walk away. A month later he walks down the hall and leaves a red hand print on my forehead after smacking me, saying I looked better with bangs. I got a hundred other stories. You understand me now? Senior year, i'm sitting at a tree well with my "popular" friends, listening to them make fun of Jane who's gained 10 measly pounds over the summer and "see how her fat hangs out of her jeans like that?" Don't wonder why i'm anorexic. Wonder how these people could be so cruel. They've ruined my life, my health, my self-esteem. It's gone, and i fear it will never return. Today my sister broke a promise to me. I don't go out anymore because every time i get the chance i fear i'm going to get stood-up, so I cancel before they get that chance. Because it hurts so much. I leave my room and what i get outside the oh so safe walls is ridicule--from my own family. So, the safest place on earth is right here, safely locked away in my room, blinds closed, lights off, under the covers. And suddenly everything's okay...until the sun comes up, and it's time to emerge from the darkness.
Last update: 21-12-2006 01:28
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