| Written by Diana, on 13-09-2001 01:40 |
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I guess it's true I don't want to get better. I keep going back and forth on whether I really enjoy being un-unhappy. I can't say I'm happy because that's just so far from the truth. I can only say that there are points where I'm not unhappy--it feels weird and uncomfortable though to be in that state. As my therapist said, sometimes after having that period where I'm not unhappy or depressed, I then feel I need to go back to what I'm used to afterwards. Hopefully (I say hopefully because I know it's what I should be thinking)...hopefully I'll get used to being 'happy' and I won't need to slide backwards anymore...at least not as often, and not as far. I had this realization but it seems to have slipped my mind. I seem to be forgetting things--bad things--that happen to me. Could my meds be making me particularly hungry? I mean things have changed so drastically since I went on all these new meds...so many meds. I had to go without them for a short time the a month or so back because the pharmacy had to contact my doctor to get the prescription re-filled and it took longer than I had anticipated. There was a major change in my appetite. I have realized this may be true and have taken necessary steps to get back on track. I have been eating rice cakes and a bowl of noodles each day. Though I've been eating enough rice cakes to where it just sorta defeats the purpose. I don't feel I'm losing weight in my thighs but with the 75 sit-ups I'm doing now instead of only 30, I feel my stomach getting flatter. My social phobia is getting pretty serious. I feel so worried all the time that it's getting to the point where I'm physically sick. That also helps with my appetite though. The other day when my mother called my therapist, she told me just as I was preparing lunch and I immediately put it back in the refrigerator and grabbed a rice cake. I was very proud of myself. And I thought all this worry was just a nuisance. I guess I was wrong. I wrapped my friends present today so I could mail it to her this week. I'm afraid she isn't making progress in her eating disorder program and that's why she hasn't responded to my letter and the gift I sent her for her birthday. I'm really worried that she's skinnier than the last time I saw her. She had dropped under 100 the last we talked. But, I'm biting the bullet and sending this thing I'm call a "Happy September" gift. I'm a little worried about why I haven't heard from her but...eh...whatever. I guess. Just between you and me, I'm really having some trouble with a few very selfish people. Who? I can't name names but if you came in contact with them, you'd understand. So now I've got my own domain. I don't have as much space as I'd like so I can't really host anyone with a site much larger than mine. I'm a little bummed about that. Though I think with the way I've figured out to compress my site without deleting things, is a little advanced and the majority of people with sites this small are those with very little info and little html experience--something I frown on these days. I just put too much work into my site and I've taught myself everything I know. I really despise people who use such programs as Front Page and say, Word, and have thousands more hits than me. I wish there was a huge sign saying "fake! fake! fake!"...heh heh. I also hate sites that have script errors. I've managed (at least when I view it) to avoid script errors on this particular version (solidarity). I've deleted for the time being pages that have script errors because the error box just didn't give me enough info on where the error was located. Well, I've yapped longer than I meant to. It's way past my bedtime.
Last update: 13-09-2001 01:40
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