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adventures of an insomniac |
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| Written by Diana, on 15-09-2001 17:47 |
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With all the events that have gone on in the past 48 hrs I seem to have lost all will to live...or eat rather...but what's the difference? I have this overwhelming desire to just starve myself until I'm happy with how I look--something that was far from reach even when I was wearing my sister's size 3 jeans. I still thought I was quite an unfortunate site. I feel so sick right now anyhow from no sleep and the seemingly impending doom that is creeping up on me--someone contacted me last night about buying my horse. I about started crying when I got on him to ride this morning. I had to circle the perimeter of the ranch and catch my breath before going into the ring. I still can't seem to catch my breath even now, I think this also comes from this sick feeling and no sleep. Or maybe I'm just enduring one very long panic attack...possible? Maybe. Probable? No. I've been worrying constantly about this project I was working on last night. I so desire this person's approval that I can think of nothing else. Even now when the project's done, I still worry I will be met with ridicule and scorn. My eyes just feel like they want to stay closed forever. I just feel like I want to crawl in a hole and die. There isn't a bone in my body that possesses the strength to go on. I just need to cut so bad but I know I'll regret it later on. Okay, it's 4:45 in the afternoon but I need to go back to sleep, I can't put up with this anymore. My eyes are blood-shot and scratchy, my stomach hurts, I feel as though if I drink anything other than water then it's going to come right back up...i'm not even so sure water will stay down, I can't seem to catch my breath, I'm worried as hell about every minute detail in my life...I just need to let go for a little while...things will be better soon...I hope.
Last update: 15-09-2001 17:47
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