| Written by Diana, on 17-09-2001 04:00 |
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God my mother is so cruel. She doesn't even attempt to pretend she's interested. I try telling her about my site and the stupid mistake i made, (don't ask) and she gave me this look like she didn't give a fuck. I know she doesn't understand but I don't understand all her insurance crap and I at least attempt to appear interested. and I don't run away at the first chance i get...unlike her. I'm so tired but i'm glad i got up for my moderator meeting this morning and I'm glad I did because I'd probably still be sleeping right now if I hadn't. I'm watching Jeff Corwin make a fool of himself on national television..heh. doesn't seem to take too much effort for him. Oh what a weekend it's been. I've had a much needed break from my online support group, it's been good but all good things must come to an end I guess. Besides, I'm starting to miss the support myself. I don't know but today has been interesting, yet frustrating. Although I know I should be doing homework and just the procrastination itself is making my anxiety level rise dramatically. I have to choose between four poems to turn into my poetry class for discussion tomorrow evening. i'm so depressed...all these people in eating disorder groups, all successful at their ed. and then there's me...ya know, i'm told my parents are good parents. i just don't know for some reason. i try to believe but i can't for some reason. it hurts. i'm watching this show where this woman poured lye on her arms...to intentionally hurt herself...i'm so jealous, i want to so bad but i know there are people counting on me. i'm not sure that's enough though. i was asked why my reason(s) for going to therapy...unfortunately to get better--to eat normal, to stop hurting myself--wasn't one of them. all i could come up with, which is really a huge if not the only reason for my going, was to stop hiding. i've spent my life hiding behind my smile. i don't want to do it anymore. i'm a terrible actress. i have a terrible time getting through the day without hurting myself in some way. i guess not eating, knowing it's tearing me up inside, is taking place of the razor (which i seem to have temporarily misplaced much to my dismay). I have a migraine..and i can't get it to go away. there's so much i have to do tomorrow and so much i want to do until then, i don't know if i'm going to be able to sleep. i think i know where my razors are but i'm afraid if i look, they'll be there, and i won't have any chance. but it's like eating...i'm using all my strength to keep from both, and one second to the next i'm not sure if i'll make it. there are so many people i have to keep straight in this support group...i can hardly keep my on things straight. i'm afraid they'll think badly of me if i forget one of their names. i know some of them don't like me but i guess i was expecting that. God i'm taking so many meds..i use one top of a prescription bottle for morning meds and one for evening. they're both full to the brim. i was given this project to do the other day. i can't share what it was exactly. this project was a major step in me deciding that i knew for sure what i want to do. it was a huge deal for me, finally knowing for sure what i want to do...no one else. no one else knew what this meant for me, and no one cared. I hate crying...everyone seems to notice when i have...maybe if i sleep it won't be so obvious. Especially since i have one of the most stressful days tomorrow that i will have had in months. god why is it so hard?? i can't even leave the fucking house without having a nervous breakdown at the thought!! i'd do anything to be able to run down to the store without panicking first. i'd do ANYTHING!!
Last update: 17-09-2001 04:00
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