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eating disorder movie and other goings on |
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| Written by Diana, on 17-09-2001 23:00 |
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you're not going to believe who i saw today--B******* S*******--i would have though for sure she would have offed herself by now or ended up in jail--she dyed her hair black, she's whiter than hell, she was wearing the shortest fucking skirt i've ever seen, and she's still wearing glasses. oh the memories. this social phobia thing is really starting to get in the way. besides having no strength, i'm nervous as hell so i have even less strength. i miss noel something fierce--maybe that's from my own need to use all my strength to keep from losing people. we all seem to be having troubles these days at HoS. all moderators are taking turns taking a week to ourselves--though being owner i only got two days minus the time spent on and in the moderator meeting. though i enjoyed it all. it's what i do--spend every waking hour on the computer--and on top of that, i got to talk to brianna finally and i was able to double check her e-mail address finally so now i can keep in touch more often. she wants me to visit her in NY...my dad would be happy to pay but i've never flown alone before and it terrifies me to even think about it right now especially with the terrorist attacks there right now...god this poetry class isn't like a math class--i can't just sit down and do the homework--i have to be in the right place in my head, otherwise they turn out to be unacceptable. some days i can sit down and finish two weeks worth of homework whereas other days i can only write two lines. i dissociate so often these days that it gets to the point where i can't get any useful thoughts to run through my head--those days i don't get jack shit done. i'm reluctant to say anything anymore because i'm aware now that no one knows i have an eating disorder--HAVE being the operative word. What about everything else? What exactly is known about me? i must know. are just my academics known? what about my being held captive by LEH? i'm not sure i want all this known. why do people think i wear long sleeves even in the sweltering heat? do they think i'm weird? this i would prefer over the truth...i think. too few people know for me to make that judgment. i haven't experienced enough reactions to make a fair and accurate decision on the matter. what if they did know--would i feel comfortable showing my scars? brianna knew and i still didn't feel comfortable most days. i'm sure it depended also on my stress threshold that day. oh i'm absolutely starving--yay. i hate watching movies about bulimia. i don't care to watch people throw up. ana movies aren't so bad though because people with ana (in movies) seem to be so hyper. i mean i can see that, i feel high on my hunger most of the time. besides, i don't think i could ever live up to the images of bulimia that i see, i just never found it to be worth all the trouble. the pluses never lived up to the negative aspects. not eating is just quicker, and hey, i don't enjoy food enough anymore to put myself through that for it--there are so many foods i won't eat anymore for stupid reasons but...what can you do. i used to run five miles and now i can't because our treadmill's collecting dust in the garage. i can't run around my neighborhood first because we live on a steep hill and two, i know too many people around here--too well. there's no way i'm running here. i used to run when i went to santa Barbara because we were just up the street from some great bike trails off by itself. but i don't go up there anymore. it's always been easier to just not eat than to b/p. i can never get the house to myself anyhow and our walls are thin. i only ate 40cals today. i would have preferred 0cals but i got home from school, pissed off at my mother and i just couldn't help it. the ana movies are triggering, and i love watching them. luckily the one i just watched (and taped by the way) turned into an ana movie rather than just being a mia movie. I would have preferred to tape over it if it had turned out that way. I can watch the second half...and dream i guess. that's all i can do right now. i don't know if i can hold out for another day without eating. today was tough, i was pretty uncomfortable in my "meeting" today, i think because my domain sorta slipped out and i know...people seem to freak after they read my website. just look, the day my therapist and i looked at my site, i ended up in the hospital. i can't help but write the truth though. it's boring, for me, if i leave out the stuff that i really shouldn't be doing such as not eating, cutting, wanting my mother dead, wanting to be dead myself most of the time--then it stays inside and i can't do that anymore. I can't get over it this time. Usually, it comes and a week later it goes but it's been almost three weeks this time. Oh my god i'm gonna throw up...these girls are like 90 pounds...and their coach is happy for them!...i'm so jealous. my coach would freak. god and this girl's already perfect. i wish i had the support...though they're spreading mia, i prefer to spread ana. fortunately the people in my life either don't see or won't say anything. even after i had lost 40lbs my trainer never said a word. that much was so obvious i mean she asked one time, which i so wish i hadn't remembered, what diet i was on and i said 'you don't wanna know.' she'd never really act concerned even when my small chaps were too big on me--when i first came there my larger chaps were tight on me. i only wish i could get back there. i sat and listened to a girl complain because she was 90lbs and said she was fat. shall we compare numbers? ooh grapes look good now, but i just ate a salad--a small one but we don't have fat free dressing and i can't see how people can eat lettuce without anything on it. god and this girl's majorly freaking after b/p. i mean is it just me or is it really not that big a deal--at least it never was for me? i mean she's a good actor but i'm not sure that part is very realistic. okay and when you're mother's sleeping in the next room, you count sit-ups or whatever in your head, not out loud. personally, my parents don't know anything about my exercise routine and i saw my mother for about two minutes today so she has no clue what i have or have not eaten. thank god i'm still hungry after eating that salad...i'd die if i wasn't. well, i'd better go do my sit-ups and go to bed. i have to get up in 8 hrs.
Last update: 17-09-2001 23:00
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