| Written by Diana, on 19-09-2001 20:26 |
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God every time i talk to my mother when she's out of town, she always has to ask me if i'm ready to "give" ren to some "really nice barn." she ruins my already upsetting day--she doesn't know someone contacted me about him...no one does! I was so depressed this morning that i slept until 3:00 this afternoon when i had to get ready to go to the stables. Being there was upsetting and then i went to my mom's office to mail my friend's package--who i miss so much...--then i got home and went back to sleep. now i'm panicking because i have to see my pdoc tomorrow and i'm freaking out about it. i am so not looking forward to waiting for him. he's NEVER on time. (on time for him is one hour late) And i'm eating this salad though i'm also watching a Nelly Furtado video and she was the first person i really envied--she's perfect...and now i feel sick eating. I ate fries yesterday :-( and i felt so sick afterwards...it's been at least a year since i've had anything close to fast food and now it makes me sick which i guess that's a good thing because it keeps me from eating it...yesterday i just had no willpower though because i had mini chips ahoy and m&m's which i threw away today--i think my willpower's inching it's way back...my sister said yesterday "don't those [cookies] taste better than rice cakes?"...I agreed with her to shut her up...not because i actually agreed. oh god...i found my razors--by accident. they WERE in my room, not as i had originally though. I THOUGHT they got put back in my trunk with all my riding stuff--all waiting for someone to sell their baycrest trunk...which i'm hoping people will do when they graduate and go off to college. see, the thing with people who ride well and own all this expensive equipment and expensive horses, they also go to good schools and do really well so they all end up going away to college, most of the time selling their horse and everything else along with it. there are a LOT of seniors at my barn this year...about..six or more--though they don't all have baycrest trunks. some don't have trunks and others have trunks from their previous trainer. i don't want to sell my horse--ever. and i certainly don't want to GIVE him to any stable. i don't want him to be a schooling horse. that's more work than he needs at his age--though he isn't technically old. he's been too god a horse to have to go through that. my ultimate dream for him would be to donate him to the thoroughbred adoption agency--since he's been a racehorse and has a racing tattoo, i think he's eligible. though i only wish it were possible...hey i can have dreams for him can't i? I think he's happy just flatting and not working too hard. getting to jump periodically when the trainers ride him. he's been a good horse and helped me to win my fair share of trophies--make a name for myself. That's all i wanted from him, i don't need anything else. in fact even if i were to be showing today, i don't think i could top myself any more so i would be showing just to make my trainer happy. Now if I could just ride when no one was around i would be so much happier to go...these two girls get laughing and then go amazingly quiet around me and i'm afraid they're making fun of me. hey, i don't see them winning much, there's nothing funny here, if anything, i should be the one laughing...though i'm not so cruel. And they're so obvious. i think this going out thing and trying to get rid of my social phobia really isn't working...i'm afraid i'm going to have to go do this social anxiety disorder group which doesn't start until January. i feel sick just thinking about it...heh or maybe it's that salad i ate, though i doubt it. I thought i had deleted all of my mp3's and mpg's which i put so much effort into getting and i found them today! i was so excited and now i'm listening to them. Lindsay Pagano - Everything You are, Everclear - The Boys are Back in the(?) Town, Fiona Apple - Across the Universe, Five for Fighting - Superman, Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood, Harvey Danger - Paranoia, Incubus - Drive, Smash Mouth - I'm a Believer, Sum 41 - Fat Lip, and many more. mpg's include NSYNC - Pop, Sum 41 - Fat Lip (one of my favorite videos), and Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice (i love christopher walken). i feel this odd need to cut--not for the sole act of cutting but for the attention i get from it..hm..it's something to think about. though if i do it'll have to wait until after my appointment with my pdoc tomorrow because i'm not too into lying to him right now and i'm almost positive he'll ask me if i've cut recently.
Last update: 19-09-2001 20:26
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