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i thought we were friends |
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| Written by Diana, on 20-09-2001 02:06 |
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About a month ago I was given ownership of a very prominent Yahoo! eGroup, which i'm sure many of you have either heard about or applied for. After a week or so, running it almost became my life. I thought of nothing else and in a way depended on the support. In fact I thought the original owner trusted me. She even asked me to take down her site last weekend while she was away from the internet for a while, pending the attacks on new york. I'd gotten to know most of the 100 members by name and several of their ages--I'd even become friends with a few. And whenever the original owner asked me questions about the group such as what changes i had made, i would e-mail her with a complete overview and then i would never hear from her again--no comments, or concerns about how i could improve things. It was all very suspicious. Also, she and one of her moderators had some very inappropriate arguments with a member a while back which were supposed to be kept private--but weren't. On top of that, she recently came on and posted e-mails which she herself had complained about when other members did the same. They were e-mails about her life and how shitty it was, and got nothing but support from it...something she specifically told the group they could not do. This evening, when i returned home from a semi-rough day, I checked my e-mail to find out that this former-owner who had given me complete ownership, decided to jump in and delete the group without even notifying me first. She basically said in this non-private e-mail that i was a lousy owner, the group had dwindled away, and had somehow abandoned her, and then to the whole group said she was creating a new group but only those invited could join. And by 5:30 EST if we had not been invited, then we were not allowed in the group. So 5:30 comes and 5:30 goes...three hours later it's finally 5:30 PST (here) and 8:30PM THERE (!!) and I hadn't gotten an invitation yet. So, without further adieu, I cut...I would have cut more, and worse if my mother hadn't come home. So I taped up my box of razors and put them in my car to be taken to my locker at the stables tomorrow where they'll hopefully be safe--at least for a while. I got online later and talked to another girl who had cut over this. We then created our own group, inviting every member of the recently deleted group except the original owner--I wanted her to have a taste of her own medicine, and even after only 3hrs i had nine members join my group--none of which had been invited to the new group. I'm posting this today because I have been hurt by more people than i could have ever imagined i would. I can name very few people who haven't hurt me as much as this girl did today. This group meant everything to me. This is why i have no friends. If I did, I would have so many scars on me from when things like this happened...I wouldn't be able to hide them all. In fact, if I didn't have someone to answer to, I would have cut so many times already, i'd just be covered. I haven't cut since may. And today, though i've cut, I know that no one will notice...or care...or make any comment at all about it. And I know i will go on to cut later, again and again, until someone notices. The worst I cut needed stitches, no doubt about it. But there was no one to tell--so i let it bleed, and now it's just a grim reminder of how little i am noticed--even when what i'm doing could turn life-threatening if i'm not careful (or so i'm told). So what do i have to do? I either have to cut worse than that, or i have to starve myself, until someone finally says something. because i know people have noticed, especially when i dropped 40 pounds in a matter of months, but no one said anything, not even my trainer. I don't care anymore if my therapist knows, or notices without me telling her. she went to school to learn to notice. and she's had the experience to notice. what about those around me who are supposed to notice when their children lose too much weight too fast, and they find blood on their clothes and sheets. what then? why don't they say anything? why don't they care?? am i supposed to loved them despite their utter disregard for their child's well-being? I don't care what you say. I can't love them.
Last update: 20-09-2001 02:06
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