| Written by Diana, on 22-09-2001 03:34 |
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Ya know, i just realized today that i have no friends anymore. the only people i talk to are j****...who unfortunately lives SOO far away and b****** who lives in NY now and we barely even talk anymore. I'm afraid to send n*** anything at remuda because i've heard only bad things...such as she's not allowed to contact me because i have an eating disorder, though i have all these gifts planned to send her...should i not? should i just keep them and send them out as christmas presents to other friends who like whinney the pooh? i certainly don't want them..they'll only remind me of her day after day--i can't handle that. who else is left? my sister when she has time for me? the only other person i used to talk to screwed me over the other day. now i'm about a day away from either "slitting my wrists" (i use quotes only because i would only make a shallow cut...to make a point--which i have done before) or just completely giving up on friendship all together. i guess i feel like there's nothing i can do short of attempted suicide that will get the attention i so desire. I feel like nothing i do is good enough anymore...and by good i mean noticeable, something that makes people focus on me for a change. because right now, my life is a secret to everyone around me. i used to be so open about all the things i was doing because they were all good. now my life is filled with bad things--my eating disorder, leaving school, the hospital, i'm not competing anymore--there's just so much that people don't know. i'm dreading christmas because i know everyone's going to want to know about school and riding and everything else and i will have to flat out lie to everyone, about EVERYTHING. i went out tonight to some very crowded places...and i just dissociated everywhere. i'm going out every now and then to try to get used to crowds but i just can't help it. my sister will be talking and she has to repeat everything because i don't hear her the first time...it's like i need to be brought out of a trance before anyone can talk to me. i hate it but i freak if i don't. ya know, i've been notice all my life for something good. now, there's nothing left and since i'm not in the hospital and there's nothing NOTICABLY wrong, i've been shoved away. i hate being nobody. everyone treats me that way now. EVERYONE. i so enjoyed the reactions i got when people thought i was going to kill myself. i felt like people cared for a change. now, my trainers barely talk to me, my parents don't give a shit about anything i say or do, the rest of my family's living under the assumption that i'm going to be something great, my friends are all gone, my horse will be gone some day soon, school's fucked up right now...what's left?
Last update: 22-09-2001 03:34
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