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city and state...new four letter words |
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| Written by Diana, on 24-10-2001 00:58 |
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On the longest drive to BR ever, two miles of oops i shouldn't have said that thinking, I told my sister i didn't want to settle for a state college. She went to state and got kicked out. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. But seriously, I got into Occidental College on merit, on grades, whatever. I got in and everyone acted like I was wasting myself by going there, like I could have done better. I mean staff I'd never met, knew me by name before I even took one step on that campus. Hm. I wish I could go back, but then I'd have to choose between dignity and sanity. Or is it pride and sanity? Either way I think I'd prefer to take my chances with my sanity than having to give up my every dream for state. I feel like it's a four letter word...state. And city is like saying that four letter word to the pope. Now I'm having these awful cravings...how late is Taco Bell open? It sucks that these places close so early. Damn them...Lean Cuisine french bread pepperoni pizza (minus the pepperoni's). It looks like it has freezer burn....tastes like it too. Okay I ate about half...too much food. So I've eaten...wheat thins, a pepsi, macaroni and cheese ("I got the blues"), a pear, about two glasses of milk, and half of a lean cuisine pizza. Things were good yesterday. I had a good meeting with the school psychologist which I was really stressed about. She made it so I can bring my tape recorder to class--which in turn allowed my to buy one (it's digital and really small and has really cool features such as it starts taping when it hears noise and stops when it doesn't and i was sitting in the back of the class and it picked up the professor in the front very well). Therapy went okay today, only a couple uncomfortable silences. I saw my elementary school orchestra conductor at Rite Aid today and she wouldn't stop staring at me. I always hated her because she wanted me to come back to orchestra so that I could participate in the honors orchestra, and she never left me alone until the honors orchestra concert was past. Why is it that whenever I get really good at something, I quit? The flute was the first thing I was really good at. Then math hit me like a ton of bricks...in a good way if that's at all possible. Then there was horseback riding which just got better and better until my grand finale senior year with my year end award, varsity letter. Then Oxy. Now in one fell swoop, it's all gone. Now the only things that make me great are if I go outside to the store, or a book signing, or some other crowded (or uncomfortably uncrowded) place. Having to "talk" to someone four days this week is going to be trying. One thing, now that I've got this great little recorder, I can secretly tape conversations...any conversations I choose. And then permanently delete them with much ease. Such as conversations with my parents...when they promise me things, then i'll be able to say see, you promised and I have proof. I'm not depressed, I guess I'm just not sure what to do next. I have nothing planned out for next semester, next fall, anything. I've always known what I was going to do years later. Not anymore. Great my sister's home. I hate listening to her yap. I need a Pepsi, really bad. Especially because I don't plan on sleeping tonight. I just don't feel like it. I want some pepsi but I guess I'll have to get it tomorrow. I usually cure my cravings with pepsi. That's why I've eaten all I have today, because I had no pepsi to stop me...to take it's place. I can tell i've gained weight because of how my jeans are fitting me. I had two caramelo bars today. I don't even want to be in this skin of mine anymore. My sister's on the rampage. She's hyper and on the phone, the worst way for her to be. She yaps to me about her day yet when she gets home she's automatically on the phone and I don't exist. I need to go down to ralphs to get a pepsi or something. I just am craving food like crazy and I don't want to binge. It's not like there's much to eat around here anyhow. I guess I'll ask my sister if she wants to go but she'll probably only want me to get her something and I'm not because I always go with her when she asks. This guy today was obviously flirting...he said, among other things, "stay beautiful" as I walked out of the store. I see him all the time but today was the first time he's actually made conversation with me and then said *that* which i have no problem with it's just that he used to say it to my cousin, then my sister, and now me. Why am I always the last to get hit on? This is the second time this has happened except the first time, my other cousin was included in the list. I don't even really care, he's probably in his mid to late twenties anyhow. They can have him. I guess i'm too focused on getting through each day right now to be looking for any kind of relationship. I don't even think friends are a great idea at the moment. Not until I get my thoughts under control.
Last update: 24-10-2001 00:58
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