| Written by Diana, on 25-10-2001 00:23 |
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I bought a book on spell-casting. Wicca, Paganism, that kinda stuff. I think things are getting so out of control that I'm willing to try anything to make everything go away--or rather i'll do anything to PRETEND it's going to make everything go away. The blue moon's this month...or so i'm told. The best time to cast spells...? I was a little spacey during that conversation with a practicing Pagan/Wiccan. I'm starting to feel as though if something doesn't change soon, then it will never change. I'll always be stuck this way. In limbo between sanity and insanity. The insanity being those times when I feel disgusting in this skin...like i'm in a skin that doesn't fit quite right. And I hate how I look, and feel, and act, and speak, and everything else about being me. What did I do to deserve this, huh? I don't deserve this, do I? I hate being me every time I have to leave my house. I hate that it's so hard. I can't even write anymore...have you noticed? My meds are really taking their toll. I'm always tired or not tired when I should be. I just don't want to sleep anymore because I want to drag out the day as long as possible because I never want to reach tomorrow. Tomorrow's never very appealing to me, especially when it involves any activity at all whatsoever. I wish I could just sleep all day and all night until College is over. Maybe I'll get lucky and I'll meet a really great friend in this social anxiety disorder group which starts in January and we'll do our homework together, (if that's allowed) and we'll get through it together. I don't want to be the youngest in these things anymore, I can't become friends with someone who's 15 years or more older than me. It just isn't realistic. I'm in my second year of college whereas they've graduated, married, had kids and in some cases grandkids, and they own a house and often times they've got even more experience than that. I can't compare or even begin to relate to that. Also, I think the older members (older than me) aren't as open as I can be. I'm willing to tell all to a perfect stranger yet when it comes to people i've known for years, I keep my secret with all my strength. Snippets of nonchalant attitudes and those little swirly sticks with tissue paper umbrellas on top. Skin picked clean on white knuckles, only scars remain. Close to tears in anticipation. Grief struck and somber yet tailored and uh...mischievous. Why do we bring trees into our house at Christmas? What's that have to do with anything? It just creates a fire hazard and a mess to clean up later. I think I always dreamed of things like having an eating disorder and having the guts to cut...now that I've got both, I'm overwhelmed. Now i have what I want but I can't tell anyone. It's been my little secret for well over a year now. I've eaten way too much today. There's no way I'll reach my goal in time...but my sister said there's no way she can ask for Christmas Eve off so that means I don't have to go to San Diego this year (!!!!). I'm so happy, if you didn't notice. I wanted to jump up and down when I heard the news. Am I avoiding it? Yes. Do I care? No. I'll be starting that anxiety group shortly after Christmas so I think one last "avoidance" won't kill me. I know this group is going to be hard...very hard. My therapist reminds me of that every day even if it's not through words. Every day. I had vague thoughts about the fact that 90% of the time, people aren't thinking about me, criticizing me. But I just couldn't feel comfortable. Repetition...there will be difficult days ahead, but good things don't come easy. I know this. I'm starting to realize my limitations...finally...and they're hard to accept.
Last update: 25-10-2001 00:23
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