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my oh so lacking self-esteem |
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| Written by Diana, on 25-10-2001 16:32 |
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I think the only time i'm happy with how I look is when I am in the same room with someone who weighs twice as much as me. Other than that, i'm disgusted with myself. I hate talking about it. I managed to slip around that question today. I won't be surprised though if it's brought up again next week. I started picking at my knuckles again today. They're all red and they were bleeding a little but I managed to hide them all I could. And I did it while bored in the school parking lot but it was so hot on the roof that I had to go elsewhere before my appointment. So I drove around for a little while. There's two Taco Bell soft tacos left and I want to eat them but I just know I'll regret it. Well I ate either end of them because the middle was cold and gross. I think I want to go to sleep. I only got about four hours of sleep last night. I must really be tired because I took two NoDoz and I only shook for about 20 minutes and then I was tired again. I was worried about my meeting but it went smoothly. I'm thinking of adding computer basics to my tutoring. I really have fun with it when I'm helping everyone in my family. Ugh I sooo need some sleep but I'm watching one of my favorite shows and It's over in ten minutes. Why can't I keep friends? I don't think my lizard even likes me anymore. And I'm trying so hard to say all the right things and make sure I ask them about themselves. I want a friend with ana though. It's hard going through this alone. It's hard going through ANYTHING alone but this especially. I'm really failing too. And my self-image is really hurting. I hate how I look. And I hate that I hate how I look. Where are my diet pills already? I need something to boost my metabolism otherwise I'll gain weight just by (as my t says) "eating a crumb." Those who take their fast metabolisms for granted really make me upset. I've never had a fast metabolism. It just keeps getting slower and slower. I want to go run but I'm too tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open. Maybe I'll sleep some before My mother gets home because I know she'll come a'knocking. I think I need to hold boomer for a little bit though, he looks bored. Or not. He's smelling me and after that first time, I'm afraid he's going to bite me again. He's smelling all around his cage. He must be really bored. I can't imagine living in his cage...though he's originally from the Sahara Desert. He doesn't have things to play in/on in a desert like that. And he's eating now so I don't want to bother him until he's done. He's looking at me kinda like I'm this alien being and i've come to do tests on him. "I have to eat every two hours to keep my weight up" (!!!) If I ate every two hours I'd be a blimp! If I ate twice a day I'd be a blimp so twelve times a day is just enormous! Sorry, that quote was from a show i'm watching. he's acting like he's mad at me (boomer). He looks like he's going to attack when I touch his food. I'm craving cheetos again...i'm going to sleep.
p.s. I'm starting to think less pro than I used to...don't worry i'm still not anti-pro but I'm not as much pro anymore. I want to be skinny but I hate this. I'm always worried about what i'm eating, what i weigh, how i look, if anyone's going to lock me up for not eating. I've decided that I probably need to enter an eating disorders group after I finish this social anxiety disorder group in January. I can't do it before though because i know i won't be able to handle the ed group until i do. I feel like baking...I don't feel like eating though so i'd better not. i'll go put a soda in the fridge so it'll be cold when I wake up.
Last update: 25-10-2001 16:32
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