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do you KNOW that you're beautiful? |
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| Written by Diana, on 25-12-2001 02:01 |
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I feel like I just need to write. There's so much crap I haven't said, I'm afraid to even say now. March 25, 2000. My cousin's wedding. I wore the most awful outfit, a black skirt (above my knees) an ugly white shirt and a black suit jacket buttoned once. Nylons, black shoes with barely a heel only suitable if you're wearing pants that cover them up. I saw my first picture from then, photos of the bride and groom with family. In the picture I look shorter even than I am in reality, the skirt makes me look awful. I no longer fit into anything but that outfit back then. January of 2000 I weighted myself and i was 150. I know I didn't stay there because I did nothing but eat my troubles away until about May. I never knew my actual peak weight but in June of that year I had a physical and was 140. Of course shortly after that, my eating disorder developed and on April 18, 2001 I was 110...and falling. I could FEEL that I had lost weight in the hospital especially in the end because I was sooo afraid to go home. After getting out, I fell apart and ended up back in the 140's again. After seeing that picture today, I can never let that happen again. I can't even remember seeing that in the mirror. If I had known I looked that bad, I wouldn't have left the house, much less get dressed up and go to family functions. I wish I had a picture of me at my lowest weight. I have one from Thanksgiving 2000 and i'm at about 120 but what I see in the mirror and what i see in that picture...I see reality in pictures but my reflection's skewed today. All I can go on is weight and pant size. I just don't measure up when it comes to that. Is there any hope for me to reach my lowest again? I'd sell my soul. And I can't tell because dammit no one likes to talk about those things. My mother never says anything about weight (I think me not eating scares her) and my father thinks that asking me if I've lost weight is a good thing. All I see it as (unfortunately) is that he's saying it to try to make me feel better...he knows i'm not eating yet he doesn't think i'm losing weight so he says that to cheer me up, to get me eating again...completely untrue i know but it pops into my head every time i say that. A friend asked me today if no one's ever told me I was beautiful. I tend to have inner beauty, as opposed to physical beauty it seems because no, beautiful is not a word that's ever been used to describe me. At least not to my face. I mean face it, "beautiful" is synonymous with "thin." that's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess. i mean at my height, 115 down to about 90, unless you have unusual preferences, is considered ideal, beautiful, perfect. Anything above or below is unacceptable this day 'n age. If only we all looked identical. Then we would be loved for our minds rather than our bodies.
Last update: 25-12-2001 02:01
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