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too many tests telling me i'm screwed up |
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| Written by Diana, on 04-01-2002 00:59 |
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As it turns out, it seems i'm profoundly and irreversibly screwed up. Probable Social Phobia, very severe Social Anxiety, severe depression, Generalized Anxiety, unrelenting standards--100%, emotional deprivation--85%, defectiveness/shame--85%, abandonment--78%, social undesirability--78%, failure--78%, emotional inhibition--78%, self criticism 40/40, self blame 37/40 helplessness 40/40, hopelessness 40/40, preoccupation with danger 37/40, high shame, poor self-esteem, Myers Briggs Type indicator: ISTJ: "serious, quiet, earn success by concentration and thoroughness. practical, orderly, matter-of-fact, logical, realistic, and dependable. see to it that everything is well organized. take responsibility. make up their own minds as to what should be accomplished and work toward it steadily, regardless of protests or distractions." i eat normal for part of a day. Then i see perfection and for a second i feel like i'm gonna cry. i stop eating immediately and i throw away whatever's left of it. my hair's getting too long. i can't keep it straight anymore. it was clear as day to me that the guy who runs group has/had social anxiety. all the signs were there. i felt "normal" compared to him...I've learned to hide it well. it took some time but i can look people in the eye now. i don't fidget so much these days but i do dissociate. he kept asking me if i was still with him. i feigned stupidity but i have to say i wasn't completely there. i pretended i was reading my test results but i couldn't have been more gone. it was all a bit overwhelming, discussing some of my most private and hated thoughts with a complete and utter stranger. i watched a movie video on social phobia and it said the socially phobic patient should not be taking benzodiazepines..Inderal. *I* take inderol, I swear by it. I try so hard to not dissociate but I feel...like I must always be moving, changing focus or I'll dissociate without even meaning to. It's become my way of life. Too many tests today, telling me I'm screwed up. I knew but at least before I could say that i had no documented proof. All i had was a therapist's word, something i'm able to deny. i can't deny tests...many tests which all say the same thing...I'm screwed up. and what's more, I was with a complete stranger when i found out. I was on edge all day. My mother's been pushing me to do somet6hing for my birthday. I just want it to pass like any other day. I want to go to the Getty Museum, but not with both of them. I'm gonna try and finish my book tonight. I've got 1 or 2 hrs and 32pgs. well, i'd better get crackin' before i get too tired to read.
Last update: 21-12-2006 02:38
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