| Written by Diana, on 23-12-2006 02:26 |
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(ana trigger) I ate too much today. I'm afraid to even add it up. I've been staying anywhere between 250 and 1300 depending on the day but I had all this food around today, I went to the store and everything just looked so much better than it actually was. I even bought a Potato Rosemary loaf which has a strong taste of olive oil. 7.5x60x1.5+140+60+160+85+220+300+watermelon+2apples= 1640+2apples+watermelon. Hmm that frightens me. Luckly, the bread wasn't that good, I had KitKats which my father was good enough to finish and the Starburst I have weren't good, gross tropical flavors. In fact I had four and then had four more later just because I couldn't NOT eat them. I think I'll just run an throw everything away, and maybe see if there's a soda (+140) in the garage. Caffeine+exercise+1 day with less junk food available will hopefully bring me back to whatever weight I was when I woke up this morning. It's not that I'm hungry or that when I'm hungry I'm particularly uncomfortable, I'm not dizzy, I'm not weak even though I've been exercising and have very sore muscles, I am just that way.
It's some sort of food addiction or something, I've always eaten for reasons other than hunger. This will not do. I CANNOT GAIN WEIGHT! It just will not do. I won't stay "sane" or...functioning if I gain weight. Hanging out around 90 lbs would be comfortable I think. I would still see FAT all over but I believe I would spend the majority of my time being comfortable in my skin. And at my height (5'1") that isn't grossly underweight. It's too thin (so my therapist says) but ... I feel like I need to find my happy medium. I haven't found it yet, but I've never been 90lbs. I've been approx. 99, 98 but I doubt I've ever been less. Unfortunately [fortunately] my scale only reads stones (it's very broken) so I can't weight myself. I don't really need to, if I knew my weight I wouldn't be able to forget it, it would consume my thoughts, everything all day long, my mood would depend 100% on that number. Last time I kept tabs on the number I ended up gaining about 30lbs, then I really WAS fat. I wish I could have food in the house, and only eat it when it was time or when I was hungry, or when I WANTED TO EAT IT. I really have to have NOTHING that I can even turn into edible food in order to not eat. Since I live with my parents, that's impossible. They always have a stash of egg noodles or macaroni, or cereal or something. All of which I can turn into very high calorie (and completely irrisistably good) food. Good thing we don't have any parmesean cheese, then I'd really be in trouble. Put that on some pasta with soy sauce and chili oil and I could eat that until my stomach explodes ;-) I wish I couldn't taste. That would eithe solve a ton of my problems or it would make things worse, meaning I could even eat the things I consider inedible now. Yesterday I bought gummy bears but they were made in Hungary and I don't know how long it took them to get here in the U.S. but they were so stale, I was afraid for my teeth as I bit into them. Even though I put them in my trash at work, under a large envelope from the mail, I still kept pulling them out all day and ended up eating the whole bag. They weren't even good, I just couldn't stop. I got some marsmallows, the large ones, and I was okay, I ate them in 4s (100 cals) and a couple days later I just couldn't stop eating them so I poured like a ton of body wash on them so I wouldn't eat them anymore. A couple days after I was wondering if there were any that the body wash hadn't touched yet. I have this fear of the taste of dish soap...I was making rice crispy treats once a few years ago and I put the wooden spoon in the sink that I used to flatten them in the pan and I poured dish soap on them and the other things in the sink so I could clean. A couple minutes later, forgetting that I had put soap on it, I pulled out the spoon and used it again to flatten the rice crispy treats. I didn't realize what I had done until I tried one. It was the most disgusting taste ever, I felt like I had eaten a poison or chemical or something (I obviously had). I was fine but now I have a huge fear of dish soap ;-) I've been working out my legs a ton because that's really my biggest "problem." Even though the rest of me may be thin, my legs are still oversized and out of proportion. It's in my f***ing genes I'm afraid. I've had several positive glimpses of what all this hard work is doing. I'm really tired, but I don't want to sleep, I want a soda, or some Starburst, or...or Potato Rosemary bread...Usually if I wait until 5am or so I decide it's too late to get food (my father's usually awake as early as 5:30am) and I finally go to bed. It's only 1:25am or so. My stomach hurts fromm eating but that never matters much.
Last update: 24-12-2006 07:47
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