| Written by Diana, on 07-01-1999 00:26 |
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okay. So should I feel more than I do for people I don't know? Should I feel all "oh no, that's too bad" and all that crap? Because I don't (how could you tell). I feel nothing and don't even want to hear about it. I just shut people off when these kinds of conversations start. Is that bad?!! I can't figure it out. I feel as though I could never feel sympathy for people who have that. Some people would call that too strange. Worse than strange. I don't know what I would call it, not envy or jealousy, just...i don't know.
I want it but I don't. It's hard to explain because I can't decide what I want exactly. I know I don't want this but I can't think of what I do want for sure. You're right. I took a test the other day and I found out what I already knew. I'm not happy, not even remotely. When people get mad at me for something I have no control over such as my feelings, or my thoughts, it just makes things worse until one day I can't handle all of this anymore. I know I promised myself this wasn't gonna be like this but the other one is not ready to be written in yet. I needed to vent and this was my only option. I'm gonna die if I don't get a class next semester at GCC because that is the only thing that can help me now. I have no other immediate options. I'm dropping and need help. Intervention is gonna make matters worse but all I need right now is for someone to know what i'm going through and know how helpless I feel but not try to give me advice. I need to feel comfortable right now with someone. Friendships last forever. I have one friendship now which isn't mine to have. I can't give what a real friendship deserves. Not now, not like this. I've got to talk about this. It's building up pressure inside and I don't know what to do. I can't say enough about it but it's all the same thing. It's all the same problem that I don't know how to solve. This is why my book got so long so fast and then stopped getting long, and I stopped writing, about my topic anyway. I had so much to vent and then it was all the same thing over and over until I couldn't say anymore, but I had nothing else to say, no other subjects to write about. It was all I could do to keep from expressing myself in the wrong way to the wrong person or persons. I have to go to bed now. Don't worry, i'm not finished, and I probably never will be, as long as we both shall live.
Last update: 07-01-1999 00:26
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