| Written by Diana, on 11-07-2000 23:00 |
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I sit here alone listening to Metallica S&M on my laptop which has been my savior. And I just found out how to edit the play list. Awesome. Hero of the Day is the only thing on the play list. My parents and sister went back to Epcot. I don't know why anyone would want to go back there. It is a terrible place and it feels like a great big history lesson. The rides are slow moving and boring. I have a blister on my heal from my shoe. Luckily though tomorrow is our day to do anything. I feel as though I won't make it through the week.
I have decided to start cutting around my lower leg so that no one can see it and I can at least attempt to tell Michelle I have stopped. That way I won't get lectured and I won't lose her. That poem I wrote yesterday has caught up to me. I felt today like every eye was watching me. Like every eye and mind and conscious thought was focused on me and my mistakes. I know that they weren't but I could only take one day of believing that. I still have four more days to worry about it. Ewe, I need some real food. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm so tired but I want to be up in time to get a bagel tomorrow morning for breakfast. That's the only real food I've had since our flight out here. I wish Michelle knew the thoughts that ran through my mind. She'd be concerned, let me tell you. I'm not sure what it is today that masks my thoughts. Is it sadness? Is it the memory of yesterday? Because I AM listening to the fateful third eye blind (their first album) and all the memories are still there. Maybe I'm just tired and sunburn and hot and really tired. But I already said that didn't I. I want some more pepsi but I don't feel like walking all the way back down to the cafeteria to get it. I stopped listening to this CD because it brought back such awful memories. But right now, the memories I will have of this trip seem insurmountable. I love this song-Jumper-the lyrics go something like this: "I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in, and if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. I would understand. The angry boy a bit too insane, icing over a secret pain. You know you don't belong. You're the first to fight. You're way too loud, you're the flash of light, on a burial shroud. I know something's wrong, well everyone I know has got a reason to say put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in. and if you do not want to see me again I would understand. I would understand. Well he's on the table and he's gone to code and I do not thing anyone knows what they are doing here. And your friends have left. You've been dismissed. I never thought it would come to this. And I, I want you to know, everyone's got to face down the demons. Maybe today, we can put the past away. I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in. and if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. I would understand, I would understand...can you put the past away. I would you would step back from that ledge my friend, I would understand" well there you have it. My thoughts exactly, except I wasn't planning to jump. I had another way in mind. Anyhow, on to other subjects.....there are no others.
This is boring. I'm so fucking bored right now and thirsty and bored and...bored I could just scream. Well, I'm already screaming inside. There's nothing on television, I can't get on the internet, but what good would that do? It wouldn't cure my boredom. I'd still have something to do but I'd still be bored with the tedious work I do there. It is tedious you know. It's getting to the point where every sound I hear makes my heart stop because I'm afraid it's THEM. I don't want them to come home. I just want to fly home and sleep in my own bed and ride Ren tomorrow and see Michelle on Thursday and sleep in and eat nothing all day and sit on the computer morning noon and night. I just went back and finished the poem--not one of my best works but at least I wrote it. I want to fulfill my goal of at least one a day. So far I'm on a roll.
Yeah, so I thought I'd work on finishing that poem and there it is. Again, not my best work, and I still have to look up the word DILLUSION but it's better than SUFFOCATION. I've written a lot of poems since I SAW Michelle last. Let me count..hold on I have to switch over documents...10 not counting those I haven't finished (such as the one from 7-9-00 at the very beginning. But I don't ever PLAN on finishing that one). Well they're home and my sister is wandering around aimlessly so I can't stay on for too much longer. I'm watching the all-star game on television. It's pretty unexciting because I don't know or care for any of the players except the pitcher for N.L. who's a Dodger. We're all going back to EPCOT tomorrow--whoopee. To see the fireworks they say. And I have no say in the matter. I'm so FUCKING sick of this vacation that I think I am going to lose my lunch. My mother just took my pillow. Only have one now. I really didn't have a choice because Lisa wouldn't give up one of her three pillows. Now she has three and I have one. All thanks to my MOTHER! Lisa keeps complaining that she won't be able to SLEEP. Fuck her and fuck my mother. Do they even know what this vacation is doing to me? How much this is fucking ME up? The two of them make me sick. I surprisingly still enjoy my father. We were goofing around today. Nothing I could ever do with my mother or sister. Have you noticed that as soon as they walk in the door my every word switches to them-and ONLY them? And my sister--who doesn't have a job and isn't going to school is balancing her checkbook as we speak. I'm not sure how much of this crap I should tell Michelle. I'm all of a sudden not so comfortable with her. Don't ask my why. That's just how I am. She's going to want to know if I'll take the medication when I get back. I HOPE she remembers to ask me. I hope we have time to go over my notebook. My father just asked me if I'm okay without my pillow-NO!!! Go to hell mother!!! I don't give a SHIT if you're suffering!! You make me suffer every day of my FUCKING LIFE!! I have nothing further to say about that. All I know is if I had something to cut with I'd be in that bathroom right now cutting my arm away. Or my leg for that matter. I'll find another place. That shoulder will NEVER see the sun at the rate this is going. My mind is so tired that I can think of nothing in the world to write. It makes me sorry so at the effort I put into these diary entries that are so EXTREMELY long yet nothing will ever come out of them because they are just my ramblings. And Michelle will NEVER get her hands on these. I just can't imagine the things she'd say about them. I'm overwhelmed with words to say hoping they're the RIGHT way. I know however, that they are not so. They evidently stray from the truth in a fashion so as to make me feel worthless. I used to have a sense of worth. It no longer exists..at all. I miss my PROFILER, AND MY PRETENDER, AND MY HIGHER GROUND. I want to spend all day and night watching them until my vision is blurry. I worry now how I'm going to get EEORE on the plain with me. And what will come of me Monday morning at the office. Suffocation is taking it's toll and I am unable to breathe. I worry that my father will not want to go to the game Sunday evening since he has to go to work early Monday morning. Watching the All-Star game on NBC makes me want to go so badly. I look forward to spending all day distracted and not having any time for food, it makes me sick to think of the things that I've eaten while here on this trip. I had pizza for dinner the past three days. (YUCK!!!!) I feel like barfing. I wish I were anorexic. Then I'd at least be in control of SOMETHING. Because right now I wouldn't need ANY fingers to count the number of things I am in control of. Now that I have hit page 4 of this little thing here I think I'll be finding something better to do. I don't feel as though I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'm not tired AS USUAL and I only have one PILLOW, BITCH!! Okay, I'll calm down now. Anyhow, I don't think Lisa's planning on going to bed any time soon. She's still balancing her checkbook or something. She just asked for my calculator. I shouldn't have given it to her. I wonder what she thinks it is that I do here very night. Of course she knows I'm typing but what does she think I'm saying with these words. That she's an awful sister? That I HATE my life? What? I sure wonder what she says in her little notebook--her one paragraph entry--how PATHETIC. Here we go again. She's cleaning up her bed. Putting things away. It looks like the sandman has finally come. Never mind, she's just pulling out HER computer and pathetic little diary notebook. She can't even figure out that her computer IS working. Just because the STUPID little light isn't on, doesn't mean that the computer won't turn on. She makes me sick how little common sense she uses. Oh she's hooking onto the internet. Have you noticed how much restraint I've shown. I haven't logged on to the internet ONCE this whole trip. Early Saturday evening was the last time I logged on. I'm very proud of myself. Although I did cut again and break my streak that night also. But what the hell. She just logged on and it said WELCOME. But it didn't say YOU HAVE MAIL!! Ha ha!! I always have mail waiting for me. Good or bad it's always there. It's a good thing I told everyone I would be on vacation because then they'd think I'd fallen off the face of the earth. I' haven't been off this long since before I created my web page. I wonder what she's doing there. She doesn't seem to be e-mailing anyone. I could be wrong though. No one ever seems to e-mail her back. What a short FUCKING e-mail that was. My neck hurts so bad and my foot and my sunburn. I hate vacations because I always come back or end up in pain. At one point during the journey. My mother was PISSING me off today--all day in the park. She's just too frank. She says things she shouldn't say like it's no big deal. It's ridiculous that my father puts up with them. I think he just tunes her out most of the time though. I do. Well, not really. I hear everything she says I just don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that. I don't give anyone that satisfaction except my father, sometimes. It would be comical to see the look on someone's face when they saw the amount of CRAP I wrote in here these past few days. I want to transfer everything from here and my Shakespeare journal into my Lefty journal some day. It will take a while but I would really like to see how long this all is. I also have to put my poems in there. The last one I put in was A Hiding Place. That was 9 poems ago. And the first one I showed Michelle. She has a copy of every poem I've written up to July 6. She doesn't have any from that day through today's. But I'll give them all to her next week. Enough about Michelle-who's only a few hours away right now. She's in Georgia. I wish I had some sort of crisis and needed to call her. I wish someone had to call her and tell her I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt-slitting my wrists. ALMOST successful. I'd want to be able to stay with her though. They'd probably lock me away for a while but then I'd want to go back to seeing her again. I'm probably dreaming here. I want her and MAYBE Cyndi to worry about me. No, maybe not Cyndi, but definitely Michelle. Our conversation yesterday was pointless and I regret ever scheduling it. It makes me sick to think about it. So I won't. I wish Lisa would get off her DAMN computer and write in her PATHETIC diary notebook so that we could go to bed. I would like to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow. I would like them to still be serving breakfast when I get there. I don't even know what they serve for lunch. I've never been around during the day. She's making STUPID noises again!! I want to punch her in the jaw so that she won't be able to say a word. Don't worry these are just my WANTS and DESIRES. Not my PLANS. It hasn't come down to a plan yet with the suicide thing but I'm afraid it's getting much too close for comfort. Shut the FUCK UP!! BITCH!! I want to tell Michelle how close I got the other night but I fear what she'll do if I do tell her. I don't want her calling my parents or sending me to a psychiatric hospital. That would only make things worse. Besides, they'd make me EAT. I wish I could be serious with her. But all I can do is smile and laugh and crack jokes. It's not my intention to be that way. I TRY to be serious. At least she has noticed that even though I smile and laugh all through the session that it doesn't mean that I am happy. She told me that on the phone-that I sounded happy which was unusual because even though I appear happy, she knows and can tell that I'm truly truly unhappy. I can't BELIEVE I'm on page 5 of this entry. Three was going to be my goal. I guess 4 will have to be my new goal. Because I'm only typing still because Lisa doesn't appear tired. Maybe she'll turn her computer off after I turn mine off. So, with that note. I'll be back tomorrow.
Last update: 11-07-2000 23:00
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