| Written by Diana, on 12-07-2000 23:00 |
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Today has been hell even though I had the day off. I've been secretive and conniving. I spent the afternoon trying to hide my poetry from a sister who wasn't making that much of an effort to hid hers from me. I wasn't looking but she didn't seem to care. And I was sitting here closing my computer every time she walked by and closing my book every time she looked up. Oh well though. I got on AOL today and I feel much better. I've had my fix. But then, this afternoon my mother called Dr. Bloom and told us all that she had to call the office. We all knew who she was calling yet she lied to us.
I didn't hide it from her that I was going to call Michelle. I've hid everything from Lisa--so this wasn't going to change anything. I was forced to go with them to see the fireworks at EPCOT. They were so boring. And ash kept falling on us. There is a summer storm and lightning is going every few seconds and they want to stop and watch it. Then when we're leaving, my father wants to walk slower than the rest of traffic which is the entire population leaving EPCOT. It wasn't going to happen. I just wanted to get to the car and wait for them. Lisa kept saying--don't you want to wait for mom and dad?--NO!! I told her that but then she just got mad at me and slowed down causing me to slow down because she was holding the strap of my purse. She was mad at me the whole time but ended up following me anyways. Ha. And I didn't look back once. I'm such a rebel. My parents and sister want to come back tomorrow. There's no way in HELL I'm coming back. That was the lamest thing I ever saw. Besides, after being at NASA with them tomorrow, I don't think I'll be able to stand spending the evening with them also. You know, Monday the crowds didn't bother me, Tuesday I was starting to have trouble dealing with it, that's why I say that poem "family ties" started to sound real, having today off was making it not so bad at first but then I just wanted to get out of the park when Lisa made me slow down and I was FORCED to confront this fear again. Anxiety really started to get to me tonight. Then tomorrow I'm really going to have trouble with it. This won't be fun. Then MGM on Friday and Cirque Du Soleil Friday night. I'm going to die there. Lisa said one of her friends went and told her not to wear anything expensive of very fancy because they get you wet and other things-throw glitter. This is going to SUCK!! I miss Ren, Cyndi (believe it or not) and Michelle the most. But even if I was home I wouldn't be able to see her. She's in Georgia right now with her husband. Anyhow, when we got home, Lisa was acting mad at me. She had no right to be. They all stopped to watch the lightning when we got home and I just went back to the hotel room. Then she came back with this grumpy look on her face and she barely said two words to me. I bought this really awesome pen today and a journal with Pooh and Tigger on it. It is lined so I decided to put all of my poems in it (and only my poems). That's what I was talking about before. Lisa and I were both putting our poems in ours when we got back and I was being one hundred percent more secretive than her. She's pissing me off because she never wants the fan or air conditioner on and it's 95-105 degrees and VERY humid outside. She's so annoying. I'll be cutting on my leg when I get home. I'm sick of this and feel deprived of the only thing that keeps me sane. I am SO ready to go home. Lisa kept turning on talk shows-stupid ones like Montel and Sally. I wanted to slap her and get her to think. I don't think she does very often. This resort makes me sick. I feel like I'm at some fancy summer camp only it's a family camp and I was forced to go. I still have three more day of HELL. And I can't figure out anything to put in a poem. But that's the only thing that relieves the anxiety that makes me cut. Those feelings that I wasn't to just slit my wrists just keeps getting stronger and stronger. Maybe I'll just do very shallow cuts on each wrist when I get home. It'll make me feel MUCH better. I just won't be able to wear short sleeves to dinner for quite some time. But how often do we have dinner?? I'm going to say I'm not going tomorrow night to EPCOT and there won't be any way they could get me there without tying me up and carrying me. And I'm also not going to help them move Lisa out of her apartment. I won't be able to handle it. I'm not sure if I should tell Michelle about my "suicidal" thoughts or not. I'm not sure what she'd say. And I don't know how she's going to react to more cuts in more places and also the shallow ones that will be on my wrists. I don't know how ANYONE will react to them. I'm going to make them shallow because I don't want ANYONE to REACT to them. Except maybe Michelle if I can convince her that that's as far and I plan to go right now. I also HOPE to make and appointment with Dr. Haraszti on Monday. I don't want to tell my parents but I'll have to if I want to pay for the appointment. I can pay for the medication but I'm not sure I want to pay for the psychiatry. I believe it's only a fifteen minute meeting but I SO don't want to talk to him again. I really didn't like that guy the first time. Besides, he was one of the two who bombarded me on the "Bad Thursday." He, Dr. Micklusack (?), my parents, they were all part of it. Michelle was the only one who got me out of that room and by myself. Calmed me down. Knew how I was feeling. She was the ONLY one who cared that I was being cornered by a bunch of adults. She knew EXACTLY how I felt and got me OUT of that situation. Well my sister and mother are back cracking jokes as usual. And at my expense. I need sleep so bad. I woke up early this morning so that I would be awake in time for breakfast. I have to wake up early every day through Saturday. Sunday I will sleep in for sure. I'm not looking forward to the Dodger game on Sunday. I just want to go to bed now but Lisa just got back so I'm sure she won't want to go to bed for a while. And I still only have one pillow because my mother took my other one. DAMN HER!! Lisa's making noises again. I'm too tired to think. I just want to go to bed, but I can't because Lisa's still doing things in her journal so I will also. I still have six poems to copy in it. I guess I'll just have to make up for the poem tomorrow.
Last update: 12-07-2000 23:00
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