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there are ways of keeping you safe |
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| Written by Diana, on 28-07-2000 23:00 |
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Reality. The reality is I've gone nuts and no amount of 'talking' about my problems is going to change that. My therapist keeps telling me that she thinks something happened to me. Something awful and that I have secrets because someone who can write 115 pages of anger can't JUST be angry with their parents. There has to be more. I think I'm just having a mental and emotional breakdown. She keeps asking me if I'm safe. What do YOU think that means? Well, to her it means am I planning to kill myself in the near future. Because, she says, that there are ways to keep me 'safe'.
Now realize that I'm laughing right now. It's all a big joke to me. She asked me if I knew what she meant by 'there are ways of keeping you safe'..well duh. I just told her to move on. As you've probably already figured, that whole session was pretty much spent talking about suicide. Now, I love my therapist, she's only a few years older and a lot smarter than my favorite person in the whole world, only I can TALK to her. So it's sad to say I like her more than my best..well never mind. I was going to say best friend but I don't have one. Anyhow, moving on. As I mentioned before, my meds are causing major side-effects such as spatial problems, dizziness, minor memory lapses and so forth. So, I've switched to Celexa for depression and what not and Buspar for anxiety. But I'm off of Zoloft for a few days so the two don't 'mix'. And I'm not supposed to fill the prescription for Buspar for another week or so. Now, just to give you an idea of what that's doing to me-I paced for three hours last night and two more hours this afternoon. I was listening to Orgy on the radio all night and all day today. In short-I'm not doin' that great. My psychiatrist is a wacko freak. He talks too fast and repeats himself over and over and over again. I want to tell him SHUT UP!! I DON'T HAVE THE MENAL CAPACITY FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!!! But that's just not like me. On the other hand, I'm not ME right now. Hmm..People keep telling me "it'll get better" and "suicide is such a waste"..I'd like to know if these people have ever wanted to commit suicide. Because I don't see how a person who has even THOUGHT about suicide can in their RIGHT mind say something like that. Answer me that. I'm gutless. I've wanted to just end it all so badly so many times, I have no courage...No that's not right. I have plenty of COURAGE. Maybe I'll know that answer to that one tomorrow.
Last update: 28-07-2000 23:00
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